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~ September 2016 ~

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

There are many theories about what happens after we die, Capricorn. Maybe we go to a fluffy white heaven above the clouds; maybe we are reincarnated in new lives in new places and times. And maybe, just maybe, God is waiting at the pearly gates wishing She could find a brand new funny cats video compilation on Youtube. Suit yourself, but I like to be prepared.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

It’s time to release everything you’ve been holding in, Pisces. Let it all out! It’s no coincidence that when you ask Google “why can’t I,” the most popular concern is “why can’t I cry,” and, after that, “why can’t I poop?”

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

In one of those comical misunderstandings that can happen during poor Skype connections, you will be confused at first this month when your sweetheart tells you that a small part as an extra has led to a full-time role in the corn industry…

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

After the recent black moon and the changing of the seasons, a time of replenishing is in store for you, Aries. You have the power to refill your own salt and pepper shakers, and maybe even start stockpiling toilet paper and paper towels in the garage. Good times!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will learn the hard way this month, perhaps on the same occasion, that there is a time and a place for emotional outbursts, throwing drinks in faces, and “yo mama” jokes.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Against your better judgement, a strange turn of events results in a lonely late-night stroll down an ill-lit alleyway in East London, where urgent whispers lead you to open a manhole cover in which you find a creature who will become your best friend, your worst enemy, and a bargain-hunting master who will teach you how to find the best prices on the internet on both platform heels and seasonal decorations for manhole covers.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Your friends have some valuable feedback for you this month, including but not limited to “two for flinching.”

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will discover that your beloved is a member of a secret society, funded by the barons of Hallmark, which is responsible for coming up with new national holidays. You will suggest “National Crying Day,” which will be a hit!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Dig deep and face all the feelings, Virgo. Sometimes things have to get worse so they can get better, kind of like pouring water on dried cat puke in the garage to clean it, but in a personal growth kind of way.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Stop procrastinating, Libra! Well, I mean, you should stop procrastinating soon. Maybe relax for an hour, and then get right on it. Really, even tomorrow would probably be fine.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

This month, you may begin to feel the need to reevaluate the meaning of your life and all the choices you have made in it—your family, relationships, job, home, everything—and make some major changes. Or maybe just order pizza and move the furniture around.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Some days, I feel like a hamster in a poorly constructed maze of empty toilet paper rolls, Sagittarius, but I just remind myself that the Millennium Falcon will be coming along any minute now…

Read October 2016 Humorscope: Tickets to Oktoberfest...

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