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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Sometimes a single moment can change the course of your life forever, Capricorn. This month, after eating a particularly rough carrot, you will become enraged when your dental floss can’t do the only thing you’ve ever asked of it, which is to get things like little pieces of carrots out from between your teeth. Don’t lose that passion—turn your destructive energy into the fire of creation. Will you create be a novel? A painting? A dental hygiene superstore? It’s up to you. Whichever way you go, Flossland is sure to be a hit!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
The winds of fortune are with you this month, Aquarius. Gather your courage and a crisp fiver, march into the nearest 7-11, buy a lottery ticket and a candy bar, and buckle your seatbelt—you’re about to become a hundredaire! Or at least a person who has a candy bar.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Buying a Superman/Clark Kent costume this Halloween will provide you with a tool you didn’t even know you needed—non-prescription glasses. With this foolproof disguise, you will be well-equipped to fight the evils of the “man,” the patriarchy, and the Matrix—or at least the evils of one-per-customer-per-day coupons.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Necessity is the mother of invention, Aries. You will discover a new appreciation for the depths of your creative genius this month when your favorite grocery store is completely out of half and half, and you get the brilliant idea of buying some milk and some heavy cream and making your own half and half at home. Is the universe telling you to quit your job, you will wonder, and become a full-time inventor? No, it isn’t. Don’t do that.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
This month, Taurus, your life view will be forever changed. In a single day, you will learn that the “pinky swear” is not the unbreakable moral bond you thought it was when two men in dark glasses and fedoras offer to hold your purse for you while you go on the swings, and also that ordering a new driver’s license off the internet is much easier than you thought.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
As the saying goes, if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life, Gemini. This is great advice, but I’m not sure how marketable a skill skinny-dipping really is…
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
A minor injury will lead to a major revelation this month when a bold bite on the big toe breaks the skin, encouraging you to rethink your selfish routine of going to the bathroom when you first wake up instead of feeding the cat.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Your eccentric aunt will be flattered this month, thinking you have hung a large photo of her on the outside of your front door. Let her enjoy it, I’d say—it will only hurt her feelings to tell her it’s a Halloween decoration.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
In a final bid for self-determination, your car windows will revolt, refusing to be controlled any longer by the tyrannical driver-side control panel. It will be a great day for freedom, but a less-than-great day for you when you take the family out for chili dogs.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
For your fitness goals to be a success, you need to believe in yourself first. Then, set small goals and keep at it. Mark off the days on a calendar, and use a kitchen timer to push yourself—ten minutes the first day, then 15, then 20. Before you know it, you’ll be taking the hour-long naps you deserve!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
This Halloween, stick to the classics when you fill that big bowl for trick-or-treaters—candy, chocolate, or even individual bags of chips or pretzels would be appropriate. As much money as you spent on them, I don’t think the neighborhood kids appreciated the flavored condoms you handed out last year, and I’m pretty sure they’re a choking hazard.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Miracles will follow you around this month like lost puppies, Sagittarius. Take good care of them, even if they piddle on the carpet at first.
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