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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will be thrilled when your mail-in ballot arrives this month, and truly inspired to make your voice heard on such an important matter. It will be a confusing disappointment, however, when you open it and find not Pearl Jam, Journey and Tupac on the ballot, but some jerks you’ve never even heard of. You will be even more shocked when you look up photos of the candidates online—who would let anyone with hair like that into a band in the first place, much less the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Keep hope alive this month, Aquarius. It is faith, not proof, that keeps that keeps us searching for the legends that we know in our hearts are real—phantoms like “el chupacabra,” “Bigfoot,” and “Democracy”…
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
It’s unfair to claim that there’s no way Donald Trump will create new jobs for the working class. In fact, a factory in Pennsylvania has already hired hundreds of new workers to help them roll out their brand new crayon color, “Donald Trump Orange.”
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You didn’t want to believe Hillary had Wall Street in her pocket, Aries, but you’ve got to admit that would make the pantsuits make a lot more sense…
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Think about it, Taurus: hot-button issues like health care, unemployment, war, and immigration remain the same from election to election. Still, no one has ever elected a raccoon president, or even allowed one to run. Coincidence?
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Would you rather catch syphilis or dysentery, Gemini? Well, nobody can answer that question but you. Similarly, don’t forget to vote!
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
It’s not true that Trump would decrease immigration, Cancer. In fact, polls say that if Trump gets elected, immigration will increase—in Canada, anyhow.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Hillary says she’ll raise taxes on the rich, Taurus, but electing her president will actually save money—as a woman, we’ll only have to pay her 70 cents on the dollar…
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
With all the focus on refugees, immigrants and the poor, we’ve lost sight of the real victims this election season: Americans travelling abroad, who are forced to explain to every waiter and cab driver they meet exactly how it is that Donald Trump has been allowed to run for president.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Skeptics who have raised concerns about Hillary Clinton’s health may be overstating the importance of the issue, Libra. After all, can you imagine what a paradise this world would be if all the politicians just took a couple sick days?
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
As a Green Party bumper sticker once proclaimed, “Vote your hopes, not your fears.” This bumper sticker, however, clearly does not understand who’s running…
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
While strolling through an empty playground, you will whimsically toss a pebble and jump through a game of hopscotch. As you bend over to pick up the stone, though, your hand goes right through the asphalt, and you suddenly find yourself tumbling through space and time in some kind of wormhole. Twisting and turning down an existential roller-coaster, you bear witness to the entire history of the universe in reverse, and then several previous universes. The vastness of existence penetrates your body and soul, and when you emerge back at the playground, a new wisdom hums in every cell of your body. You feel a new sense of both power and powerlessness, purpose and playfulness. The dull depression of the modern world will have been washed from your consciousness. Unfortunately, you will still have your phone and, checking the date, you will immediately realize that it is still election season.
Read December 2016 Humorscope: Boohoohoo! Bye Bye 2016...
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