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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
We live in strange times, Capricorn. You will be annoyed at first, during some holiday baking, to discover that your electric mixer is capable of more than you realize, and you will be tempted to grumble while cleaning batter off the ceiling. What you don’t know is that, someday soon, you are going to need that “zombie apocalypse” speed setting...
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
This month, you will be honored with a 21-gun salute. Or at least that’s what it will feel like when, in a public restroom, the automatic hand dryers come on one by one as you walk by. Good times!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Don’t be ashamed of your sweet tooth, Pisces. There’s nothing wrong with bringing M&Ms on a hike—throw a peanut in there and it’s “trail mix.”
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
New dance moves and tight pants are never a good combination, Aries, and you’ll be showing some skin when they rip. This month might be a good time to start wearing underwear.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
If jogging hasn’t been getting you the fitness results you were after, it doesn’t mean you have to change your exercise of choice. Just kick it up a notch by giving it a twist, like streaking or maybe shoplifting.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Alice Walker said, “The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any.” Your eyes will be opened this month to new possibilities for yourself and your world, due in part to an excellent new pair of shoes. Good times!
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
I think your neighbors are messing with you again, Cancer. There’s no such thing as a decoy snail.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
The public is fickle, Leo, and it’s not a good idea to leave your self-worth in the hands of others. You will be very popular at work this month, for example, after your “casual Fridays” suggestion is approved by the powers that be, but then decidedly less popular after you suggest “topless Thursdays.” Easy come, easy go, I guess.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Don’t feel bad about that little mishap at your charming Winter Solstice party, Virgo. It’s not your fault fondue forks look like Barbie swords.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be infuriated this month when the bottom of your Captain Crunch cereal is more like crunch powder. With a black marker, you will demote him to “Lieutenant Jerkwad.”
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Stop asking the McDonald’s drive-thru girl what kind of fish it is, Scorpio. You know the only answer she has is “fried.”
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
One way or another, it will be a deeply revealing holiday season, Sagittarius. Moments of reflection, clarity, and truth will be available to you if you listen for them, and you will begin to look at yourself and your life in a new way. Either that or you-know-who will take off their shirt at the dinner table again.
Read January 2017 Humorscope: Laugh in the new year...
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