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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Worried about overspending during the holidays, Capricorn? Stressed over those weird looks the boss has been giving you ever since the office Christmas party? Maybe you should work on your drawing skills. You know what they say—if you can draw semi-realistic illustrations of narwhals, you’ll never be out of a job. That’s a thing, right?
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Aquarius, 2017 is the year you will get back to some serious work on an important unfinished project—you. While you’re correct that it is always cheaper to do-it-yourself, maybe you should consider seeing a professional psychologist this time. I don’t have to remind you about the road rage-aversion therapy fiasco…
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Amazing new experiences are in store for you in 2017, Pisces, like an African safari vacation and/or pooping blindfolded. Good times!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Do you wish you were more popular? Having friends who know you is one way, but they often get the wrong idea and expect you to call them, spend time with them etc., which can be very time-consuming. It’s much easier to just wave at people you don’t know—the people being waved at will be confused, but other nearby people will just think you are really popular. Bingo.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
There are different kinds of blindness, Taurus. There is the blindness of ambition, the blindness of love, and the blindness of milk, hot from the goat’s teat to the eye. I think you know what I mean.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your cat will go on a hunger strike soon, Gemini, and I blame you. After tasting those delicious cat treats you got her for Christmas, how can you expect her to settle for less?
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
New year, new you! Time to throw out all your old ideas about what you can and can’t accomplish. And probably that green stuff in the fridge, too.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Do you miss the warm, fuzzy feeling of the holiday season already, Leo? To keep both the surprise presents and the warm fuzziness coming, I suggest combining two useful hobbies into one new pastime: binge drinking and online shopping. I call it bindronshlopping, and it really works!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You’re going to accomplish great things in 2017, Virgo, like finally finishing your manuscript or maybe winning a game of Scrabble. Good times!
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Life is what you make it, Libra. For starters, instead of calling socks without mates “lonely old losers,” why don’t you call them “rogues”?
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A new year is a new chance to work on a positive attitude, Scorpio. For example, instead of getting angry the next time your cat bites you, think of it as an opportunity—an opportunity to think about what you did.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Chances are, you will soon be the proud owner of a salt lamp! And, chances are, you will confirm that it is really made of salt by licking it.
Read February 2017 Humorscope: Looking for love...
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