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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
A romantic dinner at the Waffle House with your sweetheart this Valentine’s day will reaffirm truths that are already nestled deep in your soul, like “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud,” 1 and “bacon grease is really, really flammable.”
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You have the heart of a rebel, Aquarius, and you are right to question the societal dogma that you have been force-fed since birth. An excellent opportunity to do so this month will involve the belief that “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” and some laboratory test results.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Be ready for a life-changing gift this Valentine’s day, Pisces—the tender heart of your beloved, a plane ticket promising freedom and adventures in the farthest corners of the globe, or perhaps a jar of olives. Fancy ones.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This month, thrillingly, you will observe and secretly record more suspicious behavior from the workers at the natural food store—this time, it’s the dreadlocks girl and the bald guy in the apron, silently slipping frozen peas into each other’s ears for almost half an hour. You will be thrilled to finally have all the proof you need that the place is a front for mafia operatives from another galaxy on a mission to harness the power of organic wheatgrass, but just before posting your new video on Youtube, you will be visited by government agents who warn you that doing so could threaten the security of the entire planet. Can you trust them, though? Maybe you should post it anyway. For your fans.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Nothing nurtures a relationship quite like ambiguous sarcasm, Taurus. A great place to practice your skills is in everyday interactions with strangers. For example: Q. “Excuse me, but did you see the sign outside that says, ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service’?” A. “Maybe. I can’t read.”
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Don’t get suckered into the commercial propaganda that tells you Valentine’s Day is all about chocolate and lingerie, Gemini. The historical St. Valentine was a third-century priest who was tortured and executed by the state for secretly marrying Christian couples. One lesson here is that there may come a time when you will need to stand up for what you believe in, even to the point of death; also, love is beautiful, but a deeply-held belief in marriage can lead to a three-part execution of beating, stoning, and/or decapitation.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
This month will be one celebration after another for you, Cancer! Starting with a celebration of laundry. Good times!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Sometimes we criticize others with good intentions, hoping to inspire improvement, and other people should be thankful and open to our feedback and suggestions. Still, it seems a bit unfair to compare your significant other to the Flash or any superhero, really.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Knowing what you want is the first step to getting it, Aries. In your case, I’m pretty sure it’s a live studio audience. Or maybe a butler.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Are you lonely, Libra? Your best bet will be to relax and not worry about it—love can appear anywhere, anytime, and there’s not a lot we mere mortals can do to hurry it along. Love is a mystery that has its own magic, like a falcon on the horizon, an unexpected rainbow, or a troll doll in a bingo hall.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
This Valentine’s Day, you will find out exactly how much your beloved trusts you. And that rubber bands aren’t nearly as strong as you thought they were.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
As you know, Sagittarius, the stereotypical Western idea of romantic love is, at best, a deeply conditioned neurotic illusion created by projecting an idealized version of ourselves onto others. Rather than fall into this trap of expectation and inevitable disappointment, focus on more fulfilling relationships and events, like getting revenge on strangers.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Read March 2017 Humorscope: Keep marching...
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