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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
There is not a tiny spider living in your computer, Capricorn, and there is definitely not a tiny spider couple doing it in there and stringing their little egg sacs between your RAM and your CPU. Sure, it’d be nice and warm and safe from cats, but what would they even eat? Microscopic crumb particles that filter down from between the keys? Ridiculous. Does it really make sense that theirs is a dark love, a passion mingled with evil intentions and the burning ambition to rise to power, using you as a tool to hypnotize and ultimately brainwash all of humanity by biting the underside of the keys and saturating them with venom that is even now seeping into your bloodstream through your fingertips? It’s just silly is what it is. In fact, forget I said anything about it.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
This month, Aquarius, your big mouth will get you in trouble at Chuck E. Cheese once again, ending in a battle of wits with a pack of raccoons out back by the dumpsters. My advice is to polish your unicorn boots, brush up on there, their, and they’re, and try to bring a bag of apples or something.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Your couch has been deceiving you for years, Pisces, for sport and profit, and nine times out of ten the ottoman’s been in on it too. Slash them to ribbons!
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You’re right, Aries. Sometimes your friends are immature jerks, and they are jealous of how much time you’ve been spending with your new sweetheart. Other times, though, maybe you should listen to them—I don’t think there’s any such thing as “owl syndrome.” Your boo just likes to eat mice.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Don’t flush your life down the toilet, Taurus. Even paper towels aren’t really a good idea.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will win a prestigious award this month, Gemini. You will be selected from among hundreds, thousands, or perhaps even millions of other candidates for some kind of honor—to be granted a scholarship, to be given an honorary title, or perhaps to be abducted by aliens for the probing of the year. Congratulations!
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You are naturally compassionate, Cancer, and reading an article at work describing how a lake once worshipped by the Incas for its beauty has become so contaminated with trash, lead and mercury that its frogs are washing up dead on the shores would generally elicit sorrow in your tender breast—a little gasp, an “Aw,” or even a genuine tear slipping unbidden down your cheek. You will look like an unfeeling jerk to your co-workers, however, when this natural reaction is overshadowed by the audible snicker that escapes your lips every time you see the word “Titicaca.”
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You’ve smelled farts, Leo. You’ve heard them. This month, you’re going to see them.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
This month, by chance, you will step inside a dusty curio shop in Chinatown, where you will see marvelous books and objects of myth, magic, and lore. You will finally choose to buy a tiny black wool beret, thinking it will be funny to make your cat wear it. It will be, too, until he turns into an asshole.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Going bowling always seems like a perfectly reasonable and safe night out, Libra. That’s what frightens me.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A unique opportunity for a comical chase scene will present itself in a shopping mall this month, Scorpio, and, on a dare, you will find yourself snatching a security guard’s hat and running. You friends will find this hilarious, and it will be fun at first, kind of like an 80s movie, knocking down mannequins behind you and jumping through fountains. After a hour of this, though, you will be really sweaty and wish you had stayed home eating peanut butter like you wanted.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
It is up to you to decide if you believe in the concept of souls, Sagittarius. If you find that you do and then find that you have one, it is also up to you to decide to keep it or sell it. If you do decide to sell, though, don’t let it go for peanuts like winning the lottery or landing a good job with a nice retirement package—hold out for something good, like being able to make yourself invisible or play guitar.
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