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April 2017
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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Your whole life lies before you, Capricorn—dark valleys and sunlit peaks of triumph and despair, every moment meant to teach you, transform you into a diamond of consciousness. As Osho said, life is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be lived. Thank God, Goddess, the Universe, or whoever else might be responsible for making your precious life for making you. And thank mangoes, while you’re at it, for making you floss.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Dust bunnies have feelings, Aquarius. They’re alive. The time has come to draw the inevitable conclusions your data has been pointing to for years, and bring your findings to the appropriate authorities. This will begin an exciting time in your life which will later be known as when you “signed your own death warrant.” That’s what the dust bunnies will call it, anyway.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
It’s never easy to compete in the modern world of dog-eat-dog capitalism, Aries, but with the right preparation, your new venture is sure to be a success. You’ve got the high-profile salsa recipes, you’ve got the poppers, and you’ve got the fifth-wheel food truck hitched to your Gremlin—now all you need is a clever name. I vote for “Jalapeño Business.”
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will achieve immortality this month with your new Youtube series, The No-work Workout, especially your revolutionary exercise for great calf muscle definition: Step 1. Tight crew socks. Step 2. Full-length yoga pants. You look great!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You’ll never be able to correct all those mailing lists, Taurus. At this point it would be easier to just go down to the courthouse and get your name officially changed to Buthole Cravck.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your background in dance will benefit you and your team this month when you surprise the opposition on the basketball court with your awesome “jazz hands.”
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good news, Cancer! You will soon be taking a superfun trip to the Bahamas. On a related note, your superfun new nickname for the grocery store will soon be “The Bahamas.”
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Danger looms, Leo, and there will be many dark days this month when you will be certain you have lost several socks and a pair of underwear in the dryer. Once again, however, static electricity will save the day. Good times!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
April showers bring May flowers, Virgo. Long, romantic evening strolls with your significant other this month will get you thinking about new passions you’d like to pursue, like gardening and especially knife-throwing.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Long story short, they’re going to call you garlic toe. And I don’t blame them.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You’re a natural rebel, Scorpio, and the new world needs leaders like you. You’ve got what it takes—courage, neon zebra yoga pants, and a skinny half-caf latte. ¡Viva la Revolución!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Sagittarius, are you tired of your “spiritual” Facebook friends posting “11:11” to make sure you haven’t forgotten how far ahead of you they are on the path to awakening? Do the World Wide Web a service and just post whatever time your digital clock happens to say on social media a dozen times a day, especially if it’s numbers bigger than 11. Bigger is better. This may confuse or anger them at first, but eventually they will realize that in order to get ahead in the race to enlightenment, they’re going to have to step up their game. 12:47
Read May 2017 Humorscope: ETEU... what is ETEU?
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