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May 2017: Inspirational Quotation Edition
PSA from ETEU (English Teachers of Earth United):
Quote is a verb. Quotation is a noun.
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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
“Shoot for the moon—even if you miss, you’ll land amongst the stars!” Even though the stars are not actually very close to the moon, this quotation is a great comfort, especially for those of us who are pretty sure we’re going to fail. It’s also a relief to know that we will suffocate long before we die from radiation poisoning or freeze to death in the vacuum of space.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
“Every day is a second chance.” Every day is a new day, and you can always redeem yourself later, so don’t worry your pretty little head about consequences—just do exactly what you feel like doing. And if tomorrow doesn’t look as good as you thought it would, chances are you will be able to get off by pleading insanity.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Similarly, don’t forget to “Live each day like it's your last.” This diamond of motivation works great as long as it really is your last day on Earth. Otherwise, follow this one with caution, as it could result in credit card debt and/or being banned from Wally World Water Park for life. I assume.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” Nobody likes a whiner, Aries, and nobody cares if you lost your job or got divorced or your cat died. Grief and mourning are for losers. Bottle those feelings up like a trooper and smile, because if you don’t, people will get sick of you and unfriend you on Facebook.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” This is great advice to a point, but for practicality’s sake, I like to combine it with Stephen King’s inspirational quotation about becoming a writer: “If you're not talented, you won't succeed. And if you're not succeeding, you should know when to quit.”
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
“The best things in life are free!” Absolutely right. The second-best things, however, like food, shelter, and health care, are only available to those with money. Fair’s fair.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
“The best revenge is living well.” This may be true in some cases, but I personally find photoshopping my target’s head coming out of the ass of a baboon and sharing the result widely on social media to be even more satisfying.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
“Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” This classic, often played in high school guidance counselors’ offices, has worked wonders for me, especially when the job I had was “office,” and the job I wanted was “unemployed cereal eater/cartoon watcher.”
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
“Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain.” Damn skippy! Pneumonia may cost a couple thousand in hospital bills, but joie de vivre is priceless.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
"That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Yes! Unless it does kill you. Or it makes you stronger because you start carrying a switchblade and getting paranoid when people say things like “excuse me” or “bless you” or “here comes the bus.” Or it incites a desire for revenge deep in your being, a desire for revenge not on one person or institution but on fate, the gods, and life itself. The strongest person is the one with the most doomsday devices, I suppose, but is that really a good thing? Hard to say.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
“Do one thing each day that scares you.” This is great advice, and I’ve got the scars to prove it.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
In the words of the great Frank Sinatra, “Alcohol is man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.” Yes! At last, logic and religion have come together in a flawless system I can not only believe in, but practice. Good times!
Read June 2017 Humorscope: New humorscope author: Jason Graff
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