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June 2017

By Jason Graff

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

My charts show much the stars will favor you this month, Capricorn. I see success in the areas of finance and relationships as well as progress towards personal enlightenment. Sadly, the one thing you want, that which you have desired most for nearly your entire adult life, will continue to elude you, but keep searching for ankle socks that won’t fall down. They are out there.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Quit skipping lunch, Aquarius. It remains one of the three most important meals of the day.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will soon realize that you have all that you need to accomplish the task you are struggling with so mightily. The obstacle is neither too big nor too complex; it is but an obstacle. The problem, once solved, will no longer be a problem, but another tile that forms the mosaic you are creating that tells the story of your life. But you might not want to let your laundry situation get to this point again—re-wearing underwear that often isn't really okay.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Aires, I see you getting over last month's crushing disappointments in the same stoic manner by which you always recover: one pint of store-brand ice cream at a time.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Taurus, this month wisdom will come to your home in the form of a visit from an old friend. This person will remind you of who you are and how so totally without bounds you used to dream, and offer clues as to how to rediscover your former, fearless self. This individual will leave you changed. Unfortunately, this being will also leave your guest room mattress with a pretty nasty case of bed bugs.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

GEMINI, YOU WILL COME INTO MILLIONS OF DOLLARS THIS MONTHY BY SIMPLY….there. Now that I have your attention, I can tell you that you'll find that missing flip-flop. It's under the couch. You just have to look a little harder.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

No way around it, Cancer, you will confront the true pitiless face of the world. You will look it in the eye, survive it, and move on. It will cost you a certain amount of money and pride, but you will remember to have exact change the next time you take that bus.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Leo, this month will see you realize a long and, for the most part, secretly-held artistic ambition. You will finally chance upon the inspiration needed to write the greatest sonnet in the history of the world. It will begin thusly: “There once was a lady from Nantucket….”

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Follow the path the stars have laid out for you this month, Virgo. They will lead you to a new life, one you did not even know you wanted and perhaps doubted you deserved. You will need to hurry though, they'll be putting a Starbucks there very soon.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Your lucky numbers this month will be: -5, 12,457, 8.54378 and 7.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Fate will smile upon you this month, Scorpio. Listen, to be honest, it won't be because anything good has happened. Fate will just have been thinking about that time at summer camp when it put that kid's hand in warm water while the kid was sleeping which caused him to pee his pants.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Summer has arrived, Sagittarius, and with it a reminder of how painful it is when your bare thighs stick to a hot car seat.

About the author

Jason Graff

Jason Graff is an educator as well as a writer of essays, poetry and fiction. A Pushcart Prize nominee, his work has been featured in numerous journals. In the Service of the Boyar, published by Strange Fictions Press, is his debut novella. He can be found on Twitter @jasongraff1 and on Facebook at Author Jason Graff.

Read July 2017 Humorscope: Try and stop me...

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