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July 2017

By Jason Graff

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Capricorn, this month will be one of great success for you in the realms of finance and relationships. It will all be due to you opening your heart and soul up to new experiences. The new love in your life will bring you much joy and many coupons to discount chain restaurants.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Aquarius, Gandhi once said, “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony” –a thought whose truth you’ll understand later this month when that trampoline you’ve had your eye on finally goes on sale. I mean, at 50% off, it would be stupid not to buy it.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Pisces, you will learn what it truly means to walk in shoes other than your own this month. You will also learn Payless Shoe Source prosecutes shoplifters to the fullest extent of the law.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

This is not the time to look back, Aires, but forward. Your past holds precious few clues about what lies ahead. Don’t take my word for it. Check out last month’s prediction. See? Pure bunk.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Taurus, this month you should try going barefoot more often. You have nice feet. Don’t be shy.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Much will be made of your dual nature this month, Gemini. But you can't listen to those people. They are trying to fill your head with negativity. Although if you think about it, sometimes a cruel word can be a kind one, if it is truly honest. Maybe try to listen to both sides. Sorry I couldn't be of more help….or am I?

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Living on the edge will finally catch up with you this month, Cancer. You will read the warning, interpret the sign, but show no fear. How brazenly you will flout the most basic rule of society! And you will find, to your horror, once you rip those tags off a mattress, you can never sew them back on.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Leo, making new friends will be increasingly important this month. Your life is entering a new phase. Stay close to old friends but do not shy away from new ones, like the 30-40 I'll be inviting over to your place for a house party later this month. Some more advice: stock up on ice and warn the neighbors. Things will get crazy.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

That squirrel who eats your garbage will teach you much this month, Virgo. A wily creature, it allows nothing to stand in the way of its happiness. It makes do humbly with whatever is provided. It lives for the moment and knows if you don’t eat the crust, you really don’t like the pizza.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will win a burrito-eating contest, reconnect with a past love, and discover the secret to inner peace this month, Libra. Spoiler alert: winning the contest will be the real highlight. Now, now, before you let a sense of existential gloom consume you, rest assured they will be very, very good burritos indeed.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Scorpio, this month a chance encounter in an elevator will help you discover who you truly are. Unfortunately, the elevator will get stuck between floors for hours, and what with your fear of tight spaces and all, you'll totally forget it. For a few fleeting seconds, though, you'll be as enlightened as you could ever hope to be.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

This month, Sagittarius, you will see a burning question answered. As a seeker, your quest for knowledge through experience has rarely been as rewarding as it will be when, finally, you discover what exactly is stinking up your fridge.

About the author

Jason Graff

Jason Graff is an educator as well as a writer of essays, poetry and fiction. A Pushcart Prize nominee, his work has been featured in numerous journals. In the Service of the Boyar, published by Strange Fictions Press, is his debut novella. He can be found on Twitter @jasongraff1 and on Facebook at Author Jason Graff.

Read August 2017 Humorscope: Go for it...

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