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ASeptember 2015: star trek edition A

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star trek warp field

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will be assimilated by the Borg. Your identity as an individual will cease to exist, and you will be just another mouthpiece for the hive mind, another mindless drone, working endlessly until the day you die, unaware that you are little more than a tiny cog in a machine of systematic evil. I mean, you will get a nice office job, with a window! Yay!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

This month, follow the example of good Vulcans everywhere and work through your dilemma logically. If yelling at your pants didn’t work last time, it’s not going to work this time, either.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will be tempted, this month, to wear the red shirt. Don’t do it!

aries  (March 21 - April 19)

Remember, Pisces, as all Klingons know, all you have is your honor. This applies to everything in life, including those self-service free samples at the grocery store.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

After a terrifying accident, you will be out of phase with the rest of reality for several days. Unable to communicate with the living or touch physical objects, you will begin to see life and humanity in a completely new way, as an observer. The cause of this may be a transporter malfunction, or perhaps unwittingly drinking decaf.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

This month, you will discover scientific proof that the unique molecular combination of go-go boots and miniskirts actually improves warp drive efficiency by 20%. Ensigns everywhere will rejoice.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

This month, you will find yourself enjoying a rewarding career, well-behaved children, and plenty of spare time to frolic in mountain meadows with your beloved. Then you will check yourself into rehab for holoaddiction.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

According to Lieutenant Tuvok, “intense romantic love is nothing more than a set of stereotypical behaviors.” You will see the wisdom in this, but, in a story as old as time itself, it’s hard to resist a woman in leather who can hunt and roast giant spiders for you.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Unexpectedly, this month, you will encounter a strange probe which will intercept your brainwaves and cause you to lose consciousness for about 20 minutes. During this period, you will live a lifetime, complete with a spouse, children, and a grandchild, on a distant planet whose sun went supernova centuries ago. When you regain consciousness, you will still not understand how to program your new coffeemaker.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

After watching Youtube videos about the holographic universe, and knowing that our bodies are 99.9999% space, you will realize that we are also holograms. While this may be true, it doesn’t mean you should stand in front of a charging targ.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Considering a new business enterprise? I say go for it. Just keep in mind Rule of Acquisition number 203: “New customers are like razor-toothed gree-worms. They can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back.”

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Trouble at work, trouble with beans, trouble in the shower—but you will escape at the last minute with an emergency beam-out. Good times!

Read October 2015 Magick Edition: Abracadabra!...

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