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The Blue Planet Journal Humorscope

October 2015: Magick edition

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Your life will change forever this month when a hunchbacked homeless woman sitting in a guitar case mutters your name under her breath as you pass. When you turn around, though, she is gone. An hour later, you see her again on the other side of town, this time on a bicycle. She stops you in the middle of the street, grabs you by the shoulders and looks deep into your eyes. “You are the one,” she says. “Wait for my instructions.” Your life will flash before your eyes when a car speeds by, nearly missing you; when you open them, the strange old beggar is gone again. Two days later, you will see her wearing full makeup and a beehive hairdo in a television commercial, surrounded by pyramids made of cans of beans. A chill will run down your spine as she looks right at you, uses your name again and tells you to “buy my beans, for God’s sake, for all our sakes, buy my beans!” You will wonder if you are losing your mind, and you will tell yourself to turn around every step of the way as you drive to the grocery store; but something inside you knows that your time has come at last, and that your fate is at hand. You are trembling as you make your way to the beans aisle but, casting doubt aside, you summon all your courage and grab the 12 oz. can of destiny. You walk out of the store into a nightmare: a dragon the size of a cathedral is swooping down on the parking lot, a highway of white-blue fire streaming from its gaping jaws, melting the cars into puddles. People are screaming and running for their lives. In a flash, you hurl the beans, nailing the beast between the eyes. It howls and crashes to the earth, and you are lauded as the savior of the city. The can of beans is returned to you, and you celebrate later with a burrito. It will be delicious.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Completely by accident, while watching a Japanese kickboxing movie, your significant other will utter a magical combination of forbidden syllables. You will be instantly transformed into a hakutaku, a bovine creature with six eyes and nine horns on both its flanks and face. After the argument, you will insist on going grocery shopping at Walmart anyway. No one will notice.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

This month, look into the mirror and accept yourself truly, fully, for who you really are. You will begin to love yourself for the first time, and also probably invest in some flying monkeys.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Checking payphones for forgotten change, you will discover a magical vial full of a shimmering silver liquid. It will turn out to have a buttery garlic flavor that is great on potatoes, and the side effects will be easy to live with once you get past the difficult moment of cutting a tail-hole in your favorite jeans.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

In a prophetic dream this month, Neil deGrasse Tyson will come to you and explain how the earth will be enveloped by the sun in approximately five billion years, why your favorite science fiction movies are scientifically inaccurate, and why you should dress up as a supernova/fried egg for Halloween. Needless to say, you’d better listen!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your current situation has become intolerable, and it is time to take things to the next level. You will cross the line; you must cross the line. One godless night, you awake with the courage to complete the deed. In a daze, you travel to the dark side of the city and do whatever it takes to obtain the secret knowledge and create a voodoo doll. Once safely home, you fashion it after yourself and give it the neck massage you deserve.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

At a sacred Pagan Samhain celebration deep in the woods, you witness the lighting of the ritual bonfire, the divine invocation of the Crone Goddess and the Horned God of Nature, and also two girls making out. Good times!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This month, you will finally figure out the solution to all your problems. You’ve got the stapler and the mayonnaise, so all you need is a mermaid…

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will be worried at first by a mysterious pain in your stomach this month. Thankfully, it is only the growing pains of what will develop into a furry pouch, much like a kangaroo’s, which will be very useful for keeping track of your keys and children.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

A kitchen mishap will result, once again, in the power of invisibility being bestowed upon you for a couple days. This time, do something more useful than tickling the president when he’s trying to give a speech.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You have to make a decision, and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. It matters what you think. Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

This month, you will sell your soul to the devil in exchange for fame, fortune, and the ability to play the electric guitar like a hurricane on fire. It’s a good deal and all, but I bet you could have held out for that plus great parking spots for life.

Read November 2015 Conspiracy Theory Edition: Yeah baby, beam me up!

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