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November 2015:

Conspiracy Theory edition

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hamster bait

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

The CIA is not, I repeat, NOT abducting hamsters to be used as delicious bait for intergalactic metrosexual alien stockbrokers and replacing them with cyborg clones who are recording the dreams of your children for future use in a transdimentional coup. So, you can relax.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

November will be a good month for you, Aquarius, financially and romantically—or so the soulless minions of orthodoxy would have you believe.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason, and that inside every dark cloud of injustice and misfortune, there is a silver lining to be found? That’s adorable. I bet you think the moon landing actually happened, too.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You may have heard that tobacco companies are using yummy new flavors to market cigarettes to ever younger consumers, or that the same politicians accept donations from Big Tobacco and Big Pharma lobbyists who sell anti-cancer drugs. Don’t let these crazy rumors distract you from the undeniable truth: smoking is cool!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Did you ever wonder why the alien abduction rates soar in election years? Just a coincidence, I guess.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You may have observed your cats exchanging glances when you shoo them off the couch, or constructing an escape route, tunneling deep inside the walls of your home. This is no reason to suspect them of malevolence, of course, but it’s never a bad idea to count the steak knives before bed. You know, just for fun.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and, similarly, maybe high heels are just a fun fashion statement. Then again, maybe they’re a highly calculated instrument of slow torture designed by diabolical pseudo-scientists at the behest of the sociopathic godfathers of patriarchy, created specifically to destroy women’s arches and their dreams of running away, both literally and figuratively, from the iron clutches of oppression. Just a guess.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Seven years ago, did you have a beautiful golden retriever named Sparky? Was he gentle and kind and great at catching Frisbees? Then, of course, President Obama was elected, and Sparky ran away. Thanks a lot, Obama.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

“Wet hair. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.” ‘Nuff said.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Dolphins and whales around the world are definitely not plotting to overthrow NATO and all so-called “developed” nations by simultaneously uttering a unique code of clicks and squeals, transferring all human security command codes to aquatic military bases on the bottom of the oceans, and they’re certainly not planning to subsequently lock all humans into small tanks without mates and force them to perform insipid tricks for their amusement. Why would they do a thing like that?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Have you ever wondered why your significant other repeatedly and seemingly willfully chooses to annoy you by leaving their dirty socks on the floor, or perhaps forgetting to flush the toilet after using it? Well, there’s an increasingly large body of evidence pointing to an alien colony on the dark side of the moon. Connect the dots, Scorpio. Connect the dots.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

There is a mysterious hurricane that continues to rage on the north pole of Saturn, a storm whose winds turn at perfect hexagonal angles instead of going around in a circle like the funnel of an ordinary hurricane, baffling human scientists. This month, you will unravel this enigma when a pocket-sized extraterrestrial visitor materializes in your kitchen sink. In her tiny outstretched tentacle you will find the smallest passport you have ever seen and, with the help of a magnifying glass, you will discover that the hexagonal storm of Saturn is not only a portal to other dimensions but, in fact, a popular port of entry into our Solar System for intergalactic immigrants. She will teach you how to create antimatter rocket fuel, how to love unconditionally and how to stop losing socks in the dryer. Good times!

Read December 2015 Humorscope: Let's finish 2015!

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