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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will be surprised this month when you offer a curious chipmunk at the park one of your nachos and, instead of eating it, he carries it to an oddly iridescent puddle, sits down cross-legged on it, winks at you and pushes off, using the chip as a raft. Once he reaches the middle, he strikes a Saturday Night Fever kind of disco pose, flashes silver, and then disappears into, presumably, another dimension. When he returns a moment later, from your standpoint, wearing pasties and a tiny sombrero, he hands you the smallest bottle of tequila you’ve ever seen, and then disappears again. You won’t get much of a buzz from the liquor, but you will get the thick, luxurious hair around your nipples that you’ve always wanted. Good times!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
In the midst of rampant holiday consumerism, keep in mind the reason behind the season: the birth of a child destined to change the world with a heart so full of unconditional love that he can forgive you for absolutely anything, even turning to the dark side, blowing up the peaceful planet of Alderan, and cutting off his own hand. Happy hothidays!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Merry Yule! Some Pagans will tell you that the most important thing to remember about burning a real Yule log is to save a piece of it to start next year’s fire. This is actually the second most important thing, though, the first being that hair is very, very flammable. Remember that.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This holiday season, remember how fun it is to play Santa! My favorite part is making the lists of who’s been “nice” and who’s “probably going to hell.”
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
‘Tis the season for final exams! This one will come from your significant other. Good luck with that.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You may have been told that you have a razor-sharp wit, Gemini. This month, you will accidentally poke someone in the eye with it. It will take at least three apologies to stop the bleeding.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
As the end of the year approaches, you may find yourself looking back over 2015, or over your entire life, and asking whether you “measure up” or whether you’ve fulfilled your “potential.” Remember that the point of life is to enjoy it, not to accomplish things, but if you must compare yourself to someone, I suggest browsing the news and setting your sights low. I personally always compare myself to a drunk Florida man who offered a taco as ID after accidentally setting his car on fire.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You may be tempted to interpret your holiday gifts as a message that you’ve gained weight, Aquarius, but don’t be so touchy. Elastic pants are very comfortable.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Nothing beats the scent and vision of a real, fresh-cut tree to contribute to holiday memories, family fun and global warming. Merry Christmas!
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
This year, you will finally resist the urge to send a “Solstice Blessings” card celebrating the rebirth of the sun to the lovable yet practical Neil Degrasse Tyson, who has told you repeatedly that the reason for the season is the tilt of the earth on its axis.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Nothing says festive like real eggnog, and nothing says out-of-court settlement like salmonella. Good times!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Happy Solstice! Today is the shortest day of the year, unless, of course, you’re listening to the long version of your Uncle Jack’s kidney stone story, or perhaps watching Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.
Read January 2016 Humorscope: Hurrah... 2016!
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