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~ January 2016~

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

2016 will be a pivotal year for you and for the world, Capricorn. Your presence and thoughtful input at the International Peace Summit will save lives and change the course of history, steering the human race towards a new way of thinking about ourselves, the universe and our place in it. Either that or you will have an equally lovely time at the International House of Pancakes. Good times!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

This year, you will reconnect with the magic deep inside of you, and learn to trust the wonders of your imagination, dancing with the faeries, unicorns and other imaginary childhood friends you thought you’d lost. On a related note, you will also learn that you have a dangerous carbon monoxide leak in your home.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

While drying off after a shower with a friend, you will discover quite by accident that “innie” belly buttons are in fact wormholes to a microscopic dimension whose gentle inhabitants have been inadvertently polluted by stinky human lint deposits for millennia. You will invent the surprisingly comfortable “innie plug,” available in a variety of pleasant scents and colors, which will earn you a small fortune and hero status on their world.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

It has been claimed that if ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas. This tells me that all it takes for some people to be truly happy is candy and nuts. What’s your problem?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will find deep satisfaction and happiness this year when you finally find a hobby you are passionate about, namely carrying a permanent marker in your pocket at all times and adding unnecessary quotation marks to no “parking” signs, “poetry” reading flyers, and United States “Postal” Service collection boxes. You may see some jail time as a result, but it will be “worth” it.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your empathy and keen eye for observation will lead to a breakthough which will get you published in the Journal of Insect Behavior when you realize that black widows and other arachnoids are not in fact poisonous; they simply have very large and delicate feelings, relatively speaking, which have been deeply hurt by a world which greets them with rolled-up newspapers and the undignified side of shoes. The establishment of the Our Lord and Spider International Church, which you will manage and preach at, extolling the virtues and divine, otherworldly nature of the creatures, will please them greatly, save millions of lives, and give you something to say the next time your mother asks if you have finally found a “real job.”

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Like a one-armed bandit spitting silver, your karma will start paying out big this year, resulting in random hugs, several experiences of people parking their cars quite normally next to yours, and the cat cleaning up your hairballs for a change. Good times!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Are your friends excitedly posting New Year’s resolutions on social media, or telling you all their plans to “reinvent” themselves? An effective response to this is, “Good for you. I’m working on self-replicating nachos.”

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You’re not alone, Virgo. Many people feel like there’s something missing in their lives, and it can be difficult to put your finger on a solution. In your case, this feeling of ennui would be best satisfied by buying a label maker, bestowing random new names on objects around your house, and forcing everyone to use them with comments like, “Close the door? Oh, do you mean close the gall bladder carpet?”

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

This month, while attempting to change the spark plugs in your car, you will accidentally put the blue wire where the red wire goes, which will give you a mild shock and also a particular power of sarcasm called the “slow clap.” Use it wisely.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Looking for a way to improve yourself in 2016, Scorpio? Maybe you could stop stealing pens from receptionists, toilet paper rolls from gas stations and/or prescription medications from friends’ medicine cabinets. Just an idea.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

The premonitory nature of Star Trek will be confirmed once again this month when, with the involuntary help of your cat, you discover that interplanetary travel at warp speed is indeed possible. Good times!

Read February 2016 Humorscope: Let's go zen...

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