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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
After a magical Samhain celebration and quite profitable rounds of Halloween trick-or-treating, you will be surprised to find a small, greenish, faintly luminescent pebble at the bottom of your trick-or-treat bag. You figure, quite rightly, that it's probably either a piece of some kid's glow stick or a magic talisman that will give you psychic powers. Gambling on the latter, you swallow it whole, and after a little cramping you realize that you are suddenly blessed with powerful visions of the future! You quit your job, buy a deck of tarot cards and slap together a makeshift home business performing psychic readings in your living room. Your accuracy is astounding, and your reputation spreads like wildfire. You make great money in your new role for about three days until, unfortunately, you realize you have unknowingly “passed” the magic stone, and have to go ask for your old job back.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Have you ever thought that you could communicate telepathically with squirrels, or that you were “freaking them out” when you imitate them with those jerky head motions? Well, you can’t, and you’re not. Squirrels always look like that, and your neighbors are laughing at you behind your back.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Sometimes, the answers you are looking for are hiding inside you, and all you need to do is be quiet enough to hear them. In your case, you can probably just follow those big green signs on the highway. They’re usually pretty accurate.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This month, when you receive some devastating news that demonstrates to you just how far the world has deteriorated, you are finally enraged enough to stand up and protest. A sort of spiritual awakening will happen to you while you sit day by day, chained to a bench, refusing to eat. A different clarity will grace your previously dull gaze, and a deep appreciation for life will arise from your innermost being. Your hunger strike will make national news, and a social movement for justice will arise spontaneously in your name. Your followers will join you there in the parking lot, similarly chained to benches and trees, refusing to eat until your demands are heard. You will be the subject of folk songs and legends and, after weeks of suffering, you will be on the verge of collapse when you hear that the movement has been successful, and the Olive Garden Restaurant has reinstated unlimited free breadsticks. Power to the people!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Your natural curiosity will lead you to research the intelligence of dolphins, and you will begin to feel that they are just as intelligent as humans, or even more so. You will set out on a quest to prove this, and end up swimming in an angelic cove off the coast of Belize with a dozen of these beautiful creatures. You will end up changing your mind about your theory, however, when one of them begins humping your leg.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This month, you will spend 2-3 hours a day at the local gas station, waiting for the rush hour and then making nachos very, very slowly so that, when somebody gets impatient and starts to crowd you, you can snap, “Back off man! This is nacho business!” It will be worth it.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
This Halloween, near the end of the night, some trick-or-treaters will ring your doorbell. When you get there, you will see the most convincing alien costumes you’ve ever seen in your life, and suddenly feel compelled to give the creatures not candy but things like baking soda, vinegar, WD-40 and small propane tanks to fuel their ship so they can get home. Bravely, you trust your intuition, take a chance for the good of the planet and give them the best propellants you have around the house. Unknowingly, you may have prevented a full-scale alien invasion of Earth! Either that or you will be getting a very confused/ threatening call from some parents and possibly the police.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Your life will improve dramatically this month, and people will begin looking at you in a new way and will suddenly start to recognize and respect your intelligence. You may think that the change is due to your new breakfast cereal or your snappy comebacks in conversation, but in fact your good fortune is all thanks to a new facial expression you will have—kind of quizzical and inquiring—due to a large pimple under your eyebrow. Good times!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
One day, as you walk in the door to work, to will look up and begin to question everything around you. Specifically, you will wonder if the email memo you got informing you that today was “Pajama Day” might not have been from your boss at all, but actually from your child’s elementary school…
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
After what happened last year, it might be wise to review some basic trick-or-treater etiquette. Asking kids what they’re dressed up as: cool. Asking whether they’re having a good Halloween: also cool. Forcing them to listen to you read lovelorn poetry about your ex before handing over the candy: not cool, my friend. Not cool.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
As the saying goes, you “can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” You can basically expand this to include a pet turtle of any age. I hate to break it to you, but “Shelly” isn’t heading out front to bring you the newspaper and then forgetting why she’s out there. She’s trying to escape. If you love her, set her free!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
This month, you will receive a mantra via a meme on social media, or perhaps an anger management class, that goes, “I have the power to choose how you react in every situation.” If you recite it faithfully, you will be able to put it into practice the night of Samhain, when you receive the fifth compliment on your “really scary costume!” and you simply smile and say, “thanks,” instead of, “I’m not wearing a $#%@*% costume!”
Read November 2014 humorscope: Oh my Dog! What are you waiting for?
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