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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
November 1st is always All Souls’ Day, and November, as you know, is always Soul Train Month. This year, celebrate it in style by putting a Youtube playlist of Soul Train on a loop, and watch as much as possible, especially keeping it on while you sleep every night. Slowly, through the power of the Soul, you will begin to see some solid style in your dance moves and fashion choices, which, as you know, is basically all your life is missing. Good times!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Do you know someone who pronounces something just a little bit wrong, like saying “new-kya-ler war” instead of “nu-cle-ar war” or “lie-berry books” instead of “library books”, and you kind of wince every time you hear it? Well, now is the right time to get it out in the open and help that person stop embarrassing him- or herself. To be gentle, preface it by saying, “If you were making a fool of yourself on a regular basis, would you want to know about it?” If the person says yes, well, there you go—time to do your good deed for the month and watch the thanks roll in!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
The seasons are changing, and it’s important for you to get a lot of vitamin C and wash your hands as much as possible. Your unique Piscean composition puts you particularly at risk for getting colds, the flu and obsessive compulsive disorder.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This month, confuse people by making facial expressions that don’t match the words you are saying. For example, you could scowl when you say things like, “Have a good weekend,” and smile sunnily when you say, “I think I’m going to throw up!”
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Do you find yourself getting bored with the same old routine, and having nothing to do on the weekends? Do you feel kind of average and ordinary, with nothing special to set you apart from others? One inexpensive way to pass a lot of time and really stand out in a crowd is to develop a phobia. For example, I can think of a lot of advantages to ablutophobia (fear of bathing) and ergophobia (fear of work or the workplace environment). More exotic phobias include chaetophobia (fear of loose or falling hair, or just hair in general) and omphalophobia (fear of belly buttons). Arachibutyrophobia, the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth, is technically a made-up phobia, but the human mind is a wondrous and powerful thing. I think if anyone can do it, Taurus, you can. Peanut butter is disgusting!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Are your family members stuck in a rut, lacking mystery and excitement in their lives? You can help bring that spark back this month by removing the labels to all the canned goods in the house. Surprise!
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
One fine morning this month, you will discover a small sprout in your garden with a strange iridescence unlike anything you’ve ever seen before. Curious, you let it grow, and when you return the next day it is nearly two feet tall. The neighbor’s cat is stretched out on her belly beneath it, calmly nibbling one of the leaves, wearing a small pair of sunglasses and reading what looks like a cheap romance novel. When she notices you and invites you out for a drink with a particularly degrading pick-up line, you temporarily forget the amazing fact that the cat is speaking and reading pulp fiction and storm off in a huff. When you come to your senses and go back out to the yard, both the plant and the cat are gone, but upon investigation you find a few remnants of the sparkling leaves. Use them wisely.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You know the old expression, “The early bird gets the worm”? Well, this month, the bird is you, and the worm is a brand new electric nose-hair trimmer, 20% off on Black Friday. Congratulations, you bargain hunter, you!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Have you ever dreamed that you were naked in public? Well, this month, if you devote just a little more time and effort to drinking, your dreams might just come true.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
It’s great to support the local wildlife, and feeding the birds and squirrels is a beautiful gesture. However, if you start to notice things like birds who choose to walk rather than fly, or changes in squirrel behavior like stopping every few seconds to catch their breath when chasing each other on trees, you may want to reexamine their diet. Read a few birdseed nutrition labels, and think it through before buying them fast food burgers and fries every time they chatter for it. Squirrel obesity is no joke.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
This month, you will be inundated with a record number of telemarketers calling on the phone and door-to-door salespeople offering you a dizzying array of household cleaning products, religions, and newspaper subscriptions. You will become so annoyed that, when you have eaten exactly two bites of your dinner one night and then promptly find yourself in the position of explain for the fourth time on the phone why you don’t feel like you really need another 25% interest credit card, a vein in your forehead will burst and splinter into seven directions, activating a formerly undiscovered area of the brain which will become known as the telemarkacampus. When this happens, you will instantly become enlightened, and from then on, you will be one with the universal consciousness. Your life will become a garden of bliss and joy, and suffering will be a thing of the past. A flower of compassion will blossom in your heart, and, although you will have seen beyond all worldly desire, you will yearn to share your bliss with others. Logically, you will share it door-to-door, right at dinnertime.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Just reading self-help books, meditating and eating gazpacho is not getting you anywhere, as Gautam Buddha learned under the Bodhi tree when he got enlightened. You need to find your Middle Way. For you, Sagittarius, the best place to start will be to watch a lot of Soul Train, and understand the deeper level, the koan, if you will, of those smooth, smooth moves. Your Bodhi tree is an ipod, and if you pack it with disco gold, get your courage on and strut your stuff down the street like a Soul Train line dancer, a thousand lotuses will blossom beneath your feet. Well, maybe not literally, but you’re going to have a damn good time. Isn’t that all you really want, anyway?
Read December 2014 humorscope: Let's go, it's holiday time...
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