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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
This month, in the depths of confusion or despair, or simply out of curiosity, you ask for a “sign” from above. Your request will be granted immediately, but keep in mind that the interpretation of the sign is the most important step. After making your request, you look out your bedroom window, and an adorable little brown dog you have never seen before runs into your yard. He’s wearing an adorable little Santa suit, amazingly, and he looks directly into your eyes. There’s something familiar about him, like an old childhood friend. Your heart races and time seems to stand still. Fascinated, you watch as the almost magical animal looks up to the heavens once, then back at you; panting, he looks to the street, and then to the ground. Finally, he looks again into your eyes, and it feels like he’s looking straight into your soul. His gaze continues as he arches his back slightly, scratches the grass twice and proceeds to leave a gift for you on your lawn.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
This holiday season, instead of giving your little nieces and nephews a bunch of plastic toys that will end up at the bottom of a closet before the batteries even wear down, give them something that will prepare them for their future, like a fresh stack of the latest tax forms. Kids don’t know what to do with those, you say? Well, they will after they attend the training sessions you’ve set up for them at the certified public accountant’s office! The little angels, no doubt, will be speechless with gratitude.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
This month, stop trying so hard to impress people. Instead, you’d better put some effort into improving your fish’s opinion of you. He thinks you’re a jerk.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Did your mother ever tell you that if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all? While this is generally good advice, there are instances in which silence is still preferable, even if you can manage a compliment. A good example of this would be when a relative asks how you like her cooking, and instead of just chewing, smiling and nodding, you wink and cheerfully reply, “Well, I highly doubt that eating it will result in my contracting Salmonella!”
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You’ve been struggling for a long time with a certain problem with a certain person… you know what I mean. Anyhow, the answer has been right under your nose the whole time: yep, you guessed it. Suction cups.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This month, you may find yourself in the role of “target” by some new hot shot at work who was undoubtedly the bully of his high school. After a week or two of trying to laugh it off and be a mature adult, you realize you will need to fight fire with fire. You spend the entire weekend poring over the interwebs, offering search terms like “zinger” and “top 10 hilarious insults” with great results. After a few hours’ practice in the mirror, you’re ready for Monday, when, as usual, you become the butt of new guy’s latest jokes, which describe you as clumsy and flatulent. Cool as a cucumber, you reply, “Why don’t you shut up and give that hole in your face a chance to heal?” It works like a charm, and all the nearby co-workers go, “Ooo-ooo-ooo!” Your adversary is aghast, and you begin to strut away in victory. Unfortunately, you then trip on your own foot and land on your stomach with a loud fart.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
This month, a sudden and intense revelation will empower you accomplish amazing things. While searching for something to watch on TV one afternoon, you stumble upon a British movie entitled Sex Lives of the Potato Men. As much as you would like to, you are unable to turn away from it, change the channel or move your body in any way, and the realization that “Wow, anyone can make a movie!” hits you like a ton of bricks. You quit your job and begin writing the screenplay for a sequel, entitled Grooming Techniques of the Potato Men, which actually receives better reviews than the original. Good times!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
What word truly sums you up? Can your entire existence be boiled down to a handful of consonants and vowels? Apparently so. One of your social media “friends” took this powerful quiz and came up with the word “determined;” another was “creative,” and yet another “mystical.” Intrigued, you try the 10-question method of finding your true identity, only to be defined as “corduroy.” Is it a glitch? Maybe. I prefer to think of it as a valid, serendipitous assessment of your nature: soft, warm, and outdated, but in a charming way.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your new method of channeling your anger into useful household tasks is working wonderfully, resulting in more family harmony and personal happiness. Your neighbors, however, may misunderstand your new-agey emotional intelligence when, engaging in some healthy cathartic banter and boxing with the laundry, they overhear you scream, “That is it, blue towel! You’re going down!”
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Your natural passion and zest for life is a beautiful thing, but sometimes you need to tone it down in public. Specifically, you need to be a little more careful with those fun-to-push grocery store shopping carts. You will learn this lesson the hard way this month when, after a serious accident in the soup aisle, you get a ticket for reckless driving.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
This month, choose a new nickname for yourself that will show everyone that there’s more to you than meets the eye. If you work in a bank, for example, tell all your work friends that you will only answer to “Spike” or maybe “Ace.” If you belong to a motorcycle gang, tell everybody that your new handle is “Haiku,” and share some of your sonnets with them, too. Your friendships will reach new levels when you subsequently learn that Swing Arm enjoys painting watercolors, and Tiny collects glass penguin figurines.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
For ancient Pagans, the winter solstice marked the rebirth of the sun god and days with more light. Put your own spin on the holiday by designating the week immediately preceding it as “heavy pregnancy of the Mother Goddess week,” and celebrate by eating whatever the hell you want. Cheers!
Read January 2015 humorscope: Sure! 2015 begins with fun...
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