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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Your deepest, darkest, most precious fantasy is going to come true this year, Capricorn. Well, if your deepest, darkest fantasy is to learn how to make macramé owls, anyway. If you try your best, I bet you could make a plant hanger, too. Good times!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
As the saying goes, “A penny saved is a penny earned.” A penny dropped off the Eiffel tower, however, can kill a man. Remember that.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
The bad news is that you will fail to follow through with every single one of your New Year’s resolutions. The good news is that, now that you know this, you can beat the system by inserting the word “not” into your resolutions from the beginning. For example, “I resolve not to stop smoking, not to stop eating Ho-Hos for breakfast, and not to stop freaking out the cat by starting loud catfight videos while she’s sleeping.”
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This year, amazing things are going to happen—true love, great wealth, fame and excellent digestion are all possible for you in 2015. The most important step you can take to making all this a reality is to legally change your name to Wanda or Hubert, respectively.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Inner growth and new discoveries in both the spiritual and material realms will bedazzle 2015 for you. Specifically, you will buy some ink pens at a dollar store that write with scented ink. They will honestly smell just great, and create a deep longing in you to doodle. Cherry is the best.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This New Year’s Eve, you be happy at first when you learn that a vodka cocktail at your favorite bar has been named after you. The emotion will become mixed, however, when you find out that the name of the drink is the “sloppy potato.”
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
2015 will be an amazing, unforgettable year for you, mostly because this will be the year that your hair will catch on fire. Unfortunately, you will have to learn the hard way that scented candles, rose petals, polyester lingerie and a messy “bed-head” hairdo are a recipe for combustion as well as romance. Luckily, your quick-thinking lover will minimize the damage by blasting you with a nearby fire extinguisher, and your new “pixie cut” is going to look great.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Soon, in deep meditation, all your illusions will come crashing down, leading eventually to your complete undoing. The veil of samsara will be lifted; you will get a glimpse of the true nature of reality, and will probably start buying your favorite toothpaste in bulk.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
After making a New Year’s resolution to exercise, you will get involved with a community basketball league. One day on the court, under heavy fire from players who take the game very seriously, the pressure gets to you. You drop on all fours, cradle the ball in a fetal position, and yell, “Protect!” This is illegal, of course, but the penalty will be well worth the look in the eyes of your fellow athletes, which you will choose to interpret as respect.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Love is in the stars for you, Libra! You’ve been feeling lonely lately, and the time has come to do something about it. If you want to make more friends and possibly find that special someone, try joining an underground revolutionary group that frees animals from zoos and medical research labs, like the one in 12 Monkeys. Nothing bonds people together like fighting for a righteous cause, wearing special matching clothes and possibly going to jail together. Plus, when you go on “raids,” I think you could definitely wear your yoga pants (the black ones, of course), and even your fancy underwear underneath, for extra confidence. Booyah!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
This year, you will peel potatoes like they’ve never been peeled before! Actually, almost all the potatoes you peel will be ones which have never been peeled before.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Walking along a beach at dawn, as if by fate, you stumble and fall over what you think is a rock and discover a tarnished silver pitcher half-buried in the sand. A mystical energy overwhelms you as you grasp the vessel and examine its ancient, lavish designs and mysterious inscriptions. When you pour out the sand from the artifact, you are instantly transported to a neon blue control tower from which you can see all of time and space laid out before you like a labyrinth. With the power of thought, you are able to move effortlessly to any point throughout history, and alter past and future events. You use your newfound infinite power to make hilarious videos to submit to America’s Funniest Home Videos, which you will eventually win, albeit by cheating. Congratulations!
Read February 2015 humorscope: Show me the money...
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