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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will be worried, this month, when you discover two itchy lumps on your back. Soon, though, they will grow into a glorious set of small but powerful wings. It will take some time to get all your clothes tailored to accommodate them, but once you get used to flying you will save tons on gas money.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
If you really want to be popular, you should start calling pancakes “flapjacks.” That’s what all the cool kids are doing.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will find great peace once you stop expecting so much from your cat and try to be a little more eager to please. She will accept you once you have proven yourself worthy.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This month, you will see some ducks crossing the road. Cross it with them and you will find that you can walk on water. When you start your new religion, remember that you saw it first here. A 10% cut would be great.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Feeling bored? Stop wasting time on the internet. Remember the classics, like scotch-taping eyebrows to your pets.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This month, you will watch a horror movie with your significant other. There’s nothing wrong with bragging that it didn’t scare you, but it will sound more believable if you say it while you’re not designing “ghost traps” for the front yard.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
This month, most of the life lessons that will help you the most will be found in the movie Moonstruck. For example, “Playing it safe is just about the most dangerous thing a woman like you could do,” probably means that you should quit your job at the library and consider a career as a ninja, or perhaps an international spy.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Goats are divine. I love my goat, but you need to find your own.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You find a piece of a meteor in your yard, take it as a sign and devote the next 15 years of your life to building a spaceship to find its origin. You will be halfway into orbit when you realize it was actually a piece of the neighbor’s old barbeque.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
If you put pantyhose over the head of a sitting dog, like, say, a mid-sized black lab, she will look exactly like a seal, and start to move her head like a seal too. I would assume.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
This month, someone will begin talking about you frequently behind your back. Don’t stoop to their level by retaliating. Instead, get your revenge by eating nothing but beans.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
This month, you will see a dog in the alley levitating and telling you that “The true path to the garbage can is meditation. Look in your own trash can.” Take his advice.
Read March 2015 humorscope: Let's go to March Madness...
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