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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
This month, you are going to get in big trouble when you mistake a real Chihuahua for a statue of a Chihuahua. Again.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will soon realize that your neighborhood is actually improving when you get an ad from Burlington Coat Factory addressed to “Buthole Cravck or current resident.”
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
It’s time to take your convictions to the next level and go commando, and I’m not talking about your underwear this time. Stop being all talk and do something big. Stage a sit-in outside Home Depot to save the bees, or maybe camp out naked in the tree in your front yard for a few days to protest how jeans shrink in the dryer.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This month, it’s time to step up and take some responsibility. Stop pointing fingers, except when giving directions or looking over police line-ups.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Take some time out to take a step back and reflect on what’s really missing in your life. For most people, it’s taking time out to step back and reflect on what’s missing in their lives. That and mayonnaise.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You’ve been deliberating about what to say to a friend or lover who has been asking your opinion on something, perhaps something very important or very boring. In these situations and actually every situation, I find it best to put my hand on my chin, look down, look up and raise one eyebrow, cock my head, nod once and say, “Fair enough.” It’s technically always true.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
An excellent opportunity to quit while you’re ahead will soon present itself. I don’t want to choose sides, but the Bingo ladies are on to you. Just sayin’.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
This month, seek out situations in which you can use metaphors and clichés which are literally true. For example, you could go apple-picking, and comment to fellow pickers that “The fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree.” One to avoid, though, is “It’s as easy as taking candy from a baby.” Mothers are so sensitive these days. Sheesh.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Spring has sprung, and the grass has grown by itself. Now is the time for you to step through the gate and accept the key to immediate enlightenment. Either that or some great new paisley pajamas. Either way, good times!
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
The tide has turned, and now you will be the one accused of crimes you did not commit. To be fair, when you walk on linoleum, your new shoes really do sound like farts.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
There’s always a positive way to look at a situation. For example, this month, you’re going to be gaining some brand new life experiences that would make great material for a Country-Western ballad! Yay!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Sometimes, the best things in life turn out to be an illusion. In other words, there’s a good chance the kids have replaced the filling in some of the Oreos with toothpaste. Not all, just some, so it can be a surprise. They’re so creative!
Read April 2015 humorscope: April fool me once...
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