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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
This month, you will discover and bingewatch Carl Sagan’s original Cosmos series, and your perspective on the universe and your place in it will be forever changed. Afterwards, you will sit in silent wonder, marveling at the fact that every molecule of your body was born in the belly of a star. Yes, Carl, you will think, we are eternal; we are stardust. In this magical moment, your beloved will walk into the room like a supernova. “Baby,” you will ask with shining eyes, “do you know what we are? Do you know what we really are?” After a pensive glance around the room, your beloved will reply, “Um, hominids?”
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Spring has sprung, and it’s a great day to get some fresh air and exercise outside! Just remember there could be raptors.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A child in your life has a birthday coming up. Don’t forget the piñata—it’s never too soon to teach the important lesson that if you want something badly enough, you will get it. The key is just the right amount of beating with a stick.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Your life has taken many sudden turns, and you will soon come to a fork in the road. A plastic spoon and several paper napkins will be with it. Damn litterbugs.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You are full of questions, and your mind has been running around in circles lately. Sometimes we overlook the most obvious answer to a dilemma because we just don’t want to see it, but it’s time to face the music. Have you even considered the fact that your cat might be a zombie?
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Believe in the power of your dreams, and they have no choice but to come true. Pay no attention to the haters and nonbelievers… one day your vision will become a reality, and the world will see that rock-paper-scissors really does belong in the Olympic Games.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Do you have some of those new-age hippie friends who come over and gives you helpful tips about how to improve your life and be a better person, saying things like, “You know, I went to Whole Foods and they’re having an amazing sale on organic soap with organic oatmeal and organic blueberries and organic sawdust in it. How much did you pay for that corporate death bar in the bathroom?” You may be tempted to lie and say you paid less for your soap than you really did, or perhaps make your own degrading remark about the taste of your friends’ organic GMO-free sugar-free gluten-free dairy-free kale chip cookies. First of all, that’s just mean, because they sound delicious. Secondly, life is a series of challenges which are meant to inspire your own spiritual growth. Deep down, you know the right thing to do, which is to listen and learn from your friend’s knowledge and experience. That and, next time you’re at their house, swap out their block of fancy soap for a block of fancy cheese.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
April is the time that the Western Hemisphere gets to enjoy spring in all its glory: flowers blossom, baby animals are born, and taxes are due. Enjoy!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
This month, you will put the finishing touches on your new screenplay, a sequel to The Fifth Element based loosely on the Chinese Zodiac Elements. Your story will feature Milla Jovovich once again saving the world, but instead of using the power of love, she will be using the power of the element “Earth,” and defeat the bad guys by throwing dirt clods at them. I, for one, think it will be even better than the original.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Your surfboard repair shop isn’t doing as well as you’d hoped, and you may begin to wonder if you should have listened to your friends, who told you Ohio wasn’t really the place for it. Don’t worry, they’re just jealous. Stick with it!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
It will be in your best interest to be nice to the annoying people at work, even though they are idiots. You never know when they might bring cupcakes.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You’ve been feeling disillusioned lately, and may be searching for spiritual guidance. Your answers, as usual, will be available on Youtube. Three’s Company is the moral compass that you have been missing in your life. Just think about it: if you ask yourself, “What would Jack do?” you can get out of just about anything.
Read May 2015 humorscope: Mother May I?
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