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~ May 2015~

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unicorn meat

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will be dismayed at first this month when what should have been a simple transaction for an adult-sized unicorn costume becomes a rather unpleasant dispute in the Ebay Resolution Center. A late-night call to a customer service agent in the Philippines, however, will result in the opportunity to speak to a version of yourself living in an alternate universe. Surprisingly, neither of you will have much to say, other than rehashing the age-old debates about who made the best Van Halen frontman and who was better, old Becky or new Becky, which is weird. Everybody knows it’s old Becky.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Love problems, Aquarius? Remember, love is not a race. It’s more like a vitamin, or a good fiber supplement.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Your career as an entrepreneur will soar this month with your ingenious marketing strategies aimed simultaneously at generation X and aging disco dancers. If you could make a patchouli-scented version of your fabulous Kitty Glitter, I bet you could reel in some hippie cat owners, too.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You know that extravagant item you’ve been thinking of buying? Well, don’t do it. I think a spatula would work just as well.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You need to let your guard down if you want to have deep, satisfying relationships. A good first step might be to stop kicking your cat out of the bathroom when you’re going #2.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

In 1889, Oscar Wilde wrote that "Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life.” You will refute this fact with your new acoustic ballad, “Wet, Lather, Rinse, Repeat.”

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

If you are trying to learn Spanish, it is a great idea to make little stickers with the Spanish names for things on household items. The English ones don’t seem to be teaching your cat how to read, though.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Nothing out of the ordinary this month, Leo. Unless you want to count the visit from the Demon Lord Farg, which could result in some minor damage to your sofa and/or your eternal soul. You can probably just cover it with a throw pillow or something.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

If you’re going to invent anti-gravity boots, at least do something interesting with them. That’s just gross.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Ever hear the expression, “Even the farthest corner of the cheese becomes hard with time”? Me neither. I don’t think that’s a thing.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will once again be reminded that your sense of humor is slightly different from others’ when you try to market your new idea for threatening fortune cookies.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Things will take a turn for the better this month if you would stop being so stubborn and begin to focus on improving your health. Listen to your mother and give up that cholesterol-ridden unicorn meat!

Read June 2015 humorscope: Let's go, it's summertime.

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