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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Opportunity knocks this month when you discover a small wormhole on the other side of your garbage disposal. It’s not big enough to go through, but you will be able to pull out certain objects from alternate universes, the most awesome of which being a digital copy of Titanic that has a happy ending and stars Jack Nicholson instead of Leonardo DiCaprio. Needless to say, you will make a small fortune. Good times!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
The key to achieving your goals and dreams is to be true to your vision and keep your priorities clear in your mind. A good role model to follow is the great Enzo Ferrari, who said of his cars, “I don’t care if the door gaps are straight. When the driver steps on the gas, I want him to shit his pants.”
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
This month, find one of those full suits of armor standing up in a museum, sneak it to the bathroom, put it on and go back to its plaque. If you are a more conservative or wealthy Piscean reader, you may, alternately, buy your own full suit of armor, make your own plaque, go to the museum and stand very still. Either way, don’t scare museum-goers by saying something childish like “booga booga.” Just clear your throat. Classic.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
When two roads diverged in the wood, did you take the path less travelled? If so, that’s probably a good place to look for your keys.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Don’t listen to those fuddy duddy friends of yours and their blabbering that you should “check your bank account.” Your way makes more sense—you’ll know there’s a problem when your card gets declined. Simple.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Persistent car trouble, this month, will teach you that no job is impossible if you have the tools you need. The main tool you will need is a new car.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Having trouble bringing your workout to the next level? Instead of jogging in the morning, try going out around 2 am. Nothing will step up your cardio quite like the fear of being murdered.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
This month, you will stop assuming you know who you are, based on the shallow judgements of others, and question your true nature. Your creativity will explode, and experimentation with the very fiber of life and the way it is lived will make you feel alive, bringing growth to your innermost being and resulting in nearly a dozen new microwaveable cheese sauce recipes. Good times!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Make sure you finalize the negotiation you’ve been working on, and fast. You’re going to need that shark costume sooner than you think.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
There’s no wrong way to fall in love, Libra. But there is a wrong way to open the curtains with a machete. Remember that.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Your higher calling is a dream that must be followed, Scorpio, and the Universe wants it to come true. What would the world look like if Martin Luther King, Jr., Albert Einstein, or Susan Sarandon had listened to the people who told them to “be practical” or “get a real job”? Similarly, you also must learn to follow your heart and pay no mind to the haters who tell you “humans just can’t turn into dolphins.”
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You do the household chores, but are you really enjoying them as much as you can? Remember, it’s not what you do but how you do it. If you can’t whistle while you work, try singing. Here’s a good one for cleaning out the cat box:
Read July 2015 humorscope: I am thirsty...
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