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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will be disappointed, at first, when your career as a private dick doesn’t pan out the way you’d hoped, and you’ll wonder what you’re going to do with all those fedoras, suspenders, bottles of good scotch and the van full of surveillance equipment. Well, I’ve got four words for you: alcoholic ice cream truck. Now all you need’s a swell dame on your arm and you’re good. You’re very good.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Some people say summer is a great time to catch up on the yardwork, but this is not always the most compassionate thing to do. Remind those people of the feelings and needs of the local wildlife, like the eagle who has built a nest in the higher branches of your weeds, and invite them inside to play a nice game of Tetris with you.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
This month, watching way too many videos about asteroids will have you once again spending sleepless nights in the garage working on your escape rocket. I’m not saying that’s not important, but sometimes you should watch something relaxing in order to get some decent rest. For example, try typing “9/11 was an inside job” into the YouTube search bar. Sweet dreams!
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Don’t worry. If you licked it, I’d go ahead and consider it clean.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
There’s more than one way to skin a cat, Taurus. And there’s more than one way to express yourself without bringing the image of skinless cats to mind. Stop using those grisly, disgusting clichés and bringing the whole of humanity down with your nasty, outdated idioms. I wouldn’t be caught dead writing like that.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Don’t listen to those dirty hippies and all their sky-is-falling nonsense about GMOs, Gemini. I think your new tentacles look great!
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
This month, the full moon will draw you out of your bed in the dead of night, and lead you down twisted roads you have never seen before. At the end of your journey, an old woman will appear in the doorway of an old bookstore. You will immediately notice that she is wearing a mysterious jade amulet you have seen only in your dreams, and you will feel the hand of destiny upon you as she invites you in, lights a candle and pours you a glass of wine. She will talk with you long into the night, mostly about switching car insurance companies, and you will end up saving close to 20 bucks a month. Good times!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
This month, you will reach new heights in your career, and new responsibilities will be bestowed upon you at work. As the saying goes, there’s no “I” in “team,” and if you take the “I” out of “paints,” you get “pants.” Remember that.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You’re wise to be cautious, Virgo, but I don’t think he’s an alien. Some people’s toes are just like that.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
After reading about Einstein’s theory about the speed of light, you will become obsessed with talking about and trying to find the answer to this question: if one photon is travelling at the speed of light, and another photon is travelling at 0.999… of the speed of light, how far apart will they be from each other after one year? Your head will hurt, and someone close to you will advise you to “shut up and eat your beans.”
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
¡Viva la Revolución! This month, you finally get fed up with the state of the nation and take your voice to the streets. In the future, perhaps you will take your commitment to change to even more pressing issues when, of course, your demand for “more tortillas when I order fajitas at a restaurant” is met. Power to the people!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
This month, you find the motivation and confidence you have been looking for by listening to self-help hypnosis CDs while you sleep. You can now look forward to a lifetime of joy, in which you believe in yourself, are free of cigarettes, and, as a bonus, do the “cabbage patch” uncontrollably whenever someone says “cabbage.”
Read August 2015 humorscope: For August sake's...
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