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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Things are not always what they seem, Capricorn. This month, what looks at first like a bit of peeling paint will turn out to be an antenna made of selenium ethylbenzene, crafted and erected by a family of very small aliens who are squatting in your mailbox. They are mooching your cable and internet, and you will be upset at first, understandably, but you will be able to work something out. What Xenog, Gameldar and the girls lack in human currency, they make up for in mad skills at sharpshooting mosquitoes. Good times!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Having trouble keeping the romance alive, Aquarius? The keys to a healthy long-term relationship are honesty, communication, and good dirty talk. To brush up on your skills with the latter, remember that anything can be sexy--it just depends on how you say it. Practice using the following sentence structure with your significant other:
S.O.: Did you buy cat food at the store?
You: I’m gonna buy cat food at your store, baby!
S.O.: Did you put gas in the car?
You: I’m gonna put gas in your car, baby!
S.O.: Do you want soup for lunch?
Well, you get the idea. Go get ‘em, tiger!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will finally find a way to put your degree in Middle English literature to use this month when you start a website selling names for heavy metal bands. Soon, the market will be flooded with groups like The Rapscallions, The Fustylugs, and, of course, Smellfungus. Your co-workers at Walmart will be very impressed.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
The wonders of the soul await you within, Aries. Like the ancient cottonwood, your branches will stretch to the sky if you can grow roots deep enough to drink from the pure water of hidden aquifers. Unlike the ancient cottonwood, however, you are fully capable of putting on a new roll when you use the last of the toilet paper, and you’re not cheating anyone but yourself when you leave that one sad, sad square behind as a technicality. Yourself and, ironically, the trees that died for your laziness, since that last lonely square will more than likely end up in the trash, clinging to a cardboard cylinder of false hope. Repent, I tell you, repent before it’s too late!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Don’t you just love kids? They have an unclouded view of the world, and as a rule, they should be listened to. This month, though, you should make an exception to this rule when a child asks you to “smell my hand.”
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
The good news, Gemini, is that there is a scientific theory that the low-frequency hum of a cat’s purr can help heal broken bones. The bad news is that, this month, you will get an opportunity to test this theory.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Time to get ready to go back to school! When shopping for your children’s school supplies, remember to keep your critical thinking cap on. I know your little angels would never tamper with something as important as the official school supplies list, but I don’t think a “flask” is usually required.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A troubling dilemma has been facing you for quite some time, Leo, and the answer is simple: Yes. But wear something decent this time--the fedora would be appropriate. Or maybe the snorkel.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Unfortunately, after a mix-up due to language differences, you will need to find a new Hispanic grocery store to shop at. You will, however, learn that savila means “aloe vera” in Spanish and, looking back, you will understand how “Whose saliva juice is it?” might sound offensive.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Riding your bike quite innocently in the park, you will have a messy run-in with the law. Well, if by “law,” you mean “lilac bush.”
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A herd of unicorns crossing the road will make you late to work again. No one will believe you this time.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
This month, a wise investment in technology will simply everything, bringing a new joy that will seep into every pore of your being. With all your newfound spare time, you will discover infinite dimensions of meaning and peace in every once mundane moment of your life. You will be surprised when a friend tells you that toothpaste in the pump has actually been around for a while.
Read September 2015 Star Trek Edition: Engage...
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