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November 2017

By Jason Graff

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Boy, was I off about October, Capricorn. Embarrassing. But I can see you’re giving me another shot and for that I am grateful and you, my friend shall be richly rewarded. Sometimes the stars speak in an arcane language that, as you’ve no doubt noticed, I have troubling interpreting. I can read what they say with unmistakable clarity for you this month, however. As I said, you’ll be richly rewarded because I can predict will full and total confidence that this will definitely be the month to invest in that emu farm.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

A large financial windfall awaits you as well this month, Aquarius. All of your wildest dreams of wealth and riches will come true. It will allow you to take care of your nearest and dearest in a manner that will make you proud to be able to show how much you care. All of this good fortune will bring an important question to the fore. Can you spot me 50 until payday?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

This will be a month of subtle shifts in your personal life, Pieces. Friends and lovers will interchange with such fluidity, it will get confusing. The one constant will be Peter, who still won’t return your Duck Tales blu-rays. That jerk.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Listen, Aires, I know I should be flattered that you snuck off to your breakroom to read this. I hate to take issue with it, but the fact is this is the company's time and you are using their WiFi. I also don’t think they’d be pleased to learn you think of the middle stall in the bathroom as your breakroom.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

This month, Taurus, it will be important for you to discover what the stars have been hiding. For instance, I’ve done some looking into your proper spirit animal. And all I’ll say is: if you’re a fan of stink beetles, have I got some great news for you.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Gemini, this will be the month you finally learn to control your temper. There will be no more outbursts, no more embarrassing scenes. Instead, you will suppress your rage, letting it simmer until it boils over into visions of the sweetest revenge you can imagine. In closing, you are one twisted sister, my friend.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Poor Cancer, there are some nasty surprises in store this month. One will be that an otherwise innocent Tuesday will be ruined by an imprudent wine pairing. Other mishaps will follow in kind, each compounding that original mistake of washing down day-old sushi with a bottle of Night Train.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Leo, this month you will get a chance to show off your much vaunted personal magnetism. People will be drawn to you for the oddest reasons. You must keep your head, though, and remember not all are destined to become close friends. Only those willing to stick it out and help you through rough patches will prove true. My advice? Avoid Aquarius. What a cheapskate! I only asked for a measly 50.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Virgo, this month will be difficult in terms of your relationships. You will find it hard to connect even with those already close to you. The world as a whole will grow more remote and mysterious by degrees. Soon, you will feel entirely cut off from your fellow man. I see the problem clearing up next month for you, though, provided, of course, that you pay your phone bill.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You’ll want to take the long view of things this month, Libra. The karmic wheel spins for eternity and does not bid mortal commands. You cannot just decide to apply karmic credit against future debts. So, just go ahead and pick up the dry cleaning and don’t make such a big deal about whose turn it is.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Scorpio, this will be a month of momentous decisions and, lucky you, I am here to advise. Before we get to that, there is a lingering question to be answered. Hey! Virgo! How about 25? No? Didn’t you read your fortune? Fine! Whatever? Sorry Scorpio, where were we? Oh yes, momentous decisions blah, blah, blah. Just, oh I don’t know, try not to eat the yellow snow or something.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Sagittarius, I know my readings rarely satisfy you. The problem lies in your desire for empathy from me. You need to find people who care about your thoughts as well as your feelings. Fortunately, I’ve really come through this month. These are your people!

About the author

Jason Graff

Jason Graff is an educator as well as a writer of essays, poetry and fiction. In the Service of the Boyar, published by Strange Fictions Press, is his debut novella. He can be found on Twitter @jasongraff1, Facebook at Author Jason Graff as well as at a website in need of updating. You can find a tweet-sized story of his in the latest F(r)iction Magazine.

Read December 2017 Humorscope: Let's end the year on a positive note...

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