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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
This month, you forget to check the expiration date of your late night snack, and have very vivid dreams which will show you the exact location of the lost city of Atlantis. This discovery will catapult your life into a new chapter of fame and fortune. The only downside will occur immediately following the second half of the dream, in which you dream you are in Atlantis yourself, using a public restroom…
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Want to get in shape for summer, but feel bored to death in yoga class? I find that a bit of gin in the old vitamin water makes everything a bit more fun.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will be surprised this month to find an ill-tempered beaver living behind the couch. Your best bet will be to accept her the way she is, feed her Doritos and perhaps play a small pan pipe for her.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will buy bedroom slippers out of the trunk of a car this month, Leo. And you’ll get a damn good deal.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Summer is right around the corner, Taurus. You could get that body beach-ready with a healthy plant-based diet and frequent, rigorous exercise! As for me, I’ll be doing some quiet reflection on self-love, the insignificance of arbitrary societal beauty ideals and the deliciousness of Brookies, which is the newborn love child of brownies and cookies.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
A “moment of clarity” is in store for you this month, Gemini. At a bowling alley, perhaps.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Cancer, have you ever worried that starting your own vacuum cleaner repair/Star Trek action figure business was a mistake? Well, you can’t spell “mistake” without “take.” Or “mis.” Or “ista.” I think you know what I mean.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
There are a lot of amazing documentaries out there, and it’s true that chimpanzees have been known to use tools, pass down learned knowledge to new generations, and even learn sign language. But it’s never a good idea to let them drive.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
It’s a good idea to keep your pockets full of garlic and a squirt gun full of holy water with you at all times this month, Virgo. Are you going to be attacked by vampires? Who knows, but better safe than sorry, I say.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be in wonder this month, marveling that this very existence is a mystery and everything inside it is too, except a few things, like half-price sales on candy corn after Halloween. Candy corn itself, however, is the greatest mystery of all.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Sometimes life gets complicated, Scorpio, and it can feel like we have more problems than solutions. In your case, though, a tin foil hat should take care of most of them.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Sometimes bargains aren’t as sweet as they seem. Your consumer smarts will be put to the test this month when a deal almost too good to be true arrives on your doorstep in the wheelbarrow of a door-to-door “salesman.” Ask yourself: if this time machine really worked, would it be only $9.99?
Read June 2016 Humorscope: Click it, Junebug...
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