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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
While strolling through Chinatown one evening this month, you will be thrilled to discover that you have telepathic powers. You will be less than thrilled to discover that they only work on a large red fish named Phil who lives in a bowl in the window of a curio shop that gives you the heebie-jeebies. Phil will nonetheless convince you to rescue him by buying him, to follow your dreams and, eventually, to get HBO.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You’ll find something special in your breakfast cereal this month, Aquarius, so keep your eyes open. It could be a prize, or it could be something that leads to a lawsuit which leads to a prize. Either way, don’t swallow it. Good times!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
This month, when you least expect it, you will become the victim of a drive-by carroting, which may result in at least one actual bruise which you will undoubtedly point out to everyone you know. While unfortunate, this will be a great time to implement the old adage when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Or, in your case, a nice coleslaw.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Everything will hinge, at one point, on an adult-size, custom-made onesie, or perhaps a small pyramid made of butter. Either way, you will rise to the challenge.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Your life will take on new meaning this month, Taurus, after you endure a painful injury and become a kind of superhero vigilante, desperate to prevent similar suffering in others. The first step you will take in establishing yourself as a friend of the people, which is standard, I think, will be to invest in some sticker-type printer paper and make a bunch of “warning: never, ever use this as a urinal” signs.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
The streets have been heating up this summer, Gemini, and the turf war you have been allowing to escalate will come to a head this month, most likely in a dance-off involving a lot of spinning and snapping. You will be ready.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
An amazing opportunity to yell “booyah” will present itself this month. And if it doesn’t, consider that your opportunity. Life is short.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Leo, have you ever put off having an important discussion with a loved one because you were afraid how it would turn out? Well, now’s the time to put your cards on the table. Insecurity, anxiety, trust or money issues—play a nice game of “the floor is lava” first as an icebreaker, and I’m sure everything will turn out fine.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Looking for a new hobby, Virgo? Consider joining the fencing team. Not only will you make new friends, but you’ll learn how to stab them.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Summer is the time to travel, Libra. If your significant other needs to go on a trip without you, don’t get jealous. Just show how much you care by preparing a thoughtful welcome-home surprise, like replacing all the remote control batteries with rolls of Smarties.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Big progress this month on the Quest. You will most likely defeat evil, experience personal growth and find the treasure in the end, especially if you eat a good breakfast first.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Never underestimate the educational value of Bugs Bunny cartoons—a little lipstick and a good iron skillet can go a long way, Sagittarius. Remember that.
Read July 2016 Humorscope: Sun is shining, humarscope is free...
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