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~ July 2016 ~

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will be both outraged and thoroughly impressed to discover, this month, after pawning your guitar in order to support her catnip habit, that your cat has invented and has been manipulating you with an insidious mind control device. Don’t be a fool—she’s a genius, yes, but she’s got a problem. Be compassionate but firm—the only way out is through. If you stick it out, you’ll get your guitar back, she’ll get her little paws back on the ground, and the two of you will end up closer than ever. Eventually, you will begin writing acoustic ballads about the healing process, start a feline rehab center, and land a spot on The Late Show. Good times!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Sometimes we doubt the depth of another person’s love for us, and we unconsciously test it by treating that person badly. A kinder and easier way would simply be to use a haughty British accent or perhaps your “Bob Dylan voice” for a month and see what happens.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will get a deeper understanding of the value of pain as a measurement of joy this month when you get a great deal on a mattress at a garage sale, leading to the best night’s sleep you’ve had in years…and then an infestation of bedbugs. Isn’t personal growth fun?

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will be annoyed with someone this month, Aries, but not upset enough to leave a dead fish wrapped in newspaper on their doorstep with an angry face scrawled on it. A slightly expired Danish and a sticky note with a medium face, however, would be appropriate.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will wonder, this month, if there is anything more painful than the abyss you will fall into headfirst when you face the fact that each one of us is, ultimately and infinitely, alone. You will find your answer the following afternoon, in the form of the steel seat belt buckle of a car which has been sitting in the sun.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

This month, your faith in human kindness will be restored. Or maybe your faith in bungee cords. Either way, it’s just in the nick of time.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

The Chinese character for “crisis” is made up of two symbols: “danger” and “opportunity.” This wisdom, correctly applied to either your career or love life, also indicates a good chance to use your unicorn costume.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Why don’t you ever write the humorscope, Leo? All you do is take, take, take…

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Appearances can be deceptive—this month, you will encounter a delivery man who is really a ninja or, even more dangerously, a cosmetologist who is really a poet.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Life is a process of growth, Libra, and that process can be bewildering at times, but you will come out wiser in the end. This month, you will learn the hard way that a couch and a porch swing, no matter how soft and fancy, are two very different things.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A career change is in store for you, Scorpio. Learn from your past experiences to make this the best job you’ve ever had. For example, I’m pretty sure you should go ahead and wear a shirt to work, even on “casual Friday.”

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Over 700,000 people die every year in conga lines, Sagittarius. Know when to say no.

Read August 2016 Humorscope: Despairscope got you down? Try the humorscope...

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