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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will get pulled over by the police this month, Capricorn. When you open the glovebox, you will find a dragon egg, so you won’t feel so bad about the ticket, having a pet dragon and all. However, best friend or not, I tell you now that dragon is destined to become a terrible driver, and get you another ticket.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Wait for it, Aquarius! Your lesson this month is patience. In the eternal wisdom of the Byrds, “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under Heaven.” This includes pumpkin spice.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Your retro style is cutting-edge, Pisces. This month, however, you may be misunderstood, like many forward thinkers throughout history, when you try to bring back “moshing” at a Celine Dion concert.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This month, you will throw caution to the wind and reconnect with your rebellious inner child. For starters, you will sign something in a blue pen after being specifically asked to use a black one, and you may even order the new “Outlaw taco” at Qdoba. Good times!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You may have heard the old adage that “fortune favors the bold.” In your situation, however, I think fortune may favor italics.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Gemini, there’s nothing to gain by hiding in the bushes, throwing pastel mini-marshmallows at passersby. Then again, there’s nothing to lose.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
This month, you’ll buy a lottery ticket on a whim, and next month, you’ll go sailing! Garage saling, that is.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Leo, a big change is in store for your love life. You may feel it on the horizon, kind of like the feeling you get when you see a big black spider and you try to kill it but it gets away and then you can’t find it.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Practice makes perfect, Virgo. Inspired by the recent Olympics, your team will bring a renewed passion and dedication to training, and bring your hide-and-seek game to new heights.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Taking the stairs up instead of the escalator is a great first step to getting in shape, Aquarius, but if you want real results, I recommend taking the down elevator up there.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Buckle up, Scorpio! This month, one of your wildest dreams is going to come true. Fame, fortune, love, world peace—anything is possible. It most likely will be the one about getting caught naked at school, though, so you might want to stash an extra pair of pants in your locker.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Have a rash? Get it checked out. Lead in the water? Buy bottled. That’s right, Sagittarius—the time has come to treat yourself!
Read September 2016 Humorscope: Get me out of here...
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