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~May 2014~

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Commando is a 2013 Hindi action thriller directed by Dilip Ghosh and produced by Vipul Shah. It is also an American slang term for not wearing underwear. If only you had known both of these yesterday, you would have known the right answer when a certain someone asked you, “Want to see Commando?” Well, live and learn.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

May 1st, also known as Mayday, has become an international symbol of worker’s rights. This year, try wearing your “down with the man” T-shirt to a protest instead of to the office.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

There’s nothing wrong with growing up, but don’t take it too far… don’t lose your sense of hope and wonder. You need to believe in yourself if you want your dreams to come true, and you need to believe in the tooth fairy if you want her to come. I know your molar is still there under the pillow, and I know the smell is making it hard to sleep, but it’s that kernel of doubt in your mind that’s keeping her from coming in your window and taking your precious, bacteria-laden collection of memories to a better place. Show your trust in the universe by sticking a little rolled-up toilet paper up your nose every night and reassuring your tooth with unwavering faith that “tonight will be the night.” The tooth fairy is real, and she will reward you someday beyond your wildest dreams. Well, if your wildest dream is to get a dollar.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

After learning the fascinating history of the battle of Cinco de Mayo on Wikipedia, you resolve to learn and experience more about Mexico and all Spanish-speaking countries. You will get a surprise when you order the “Brazilian” at the beauty parlor, which turns out not to be a fancy hairdo. No, not fancy at all. To add insult to injury, when you get home and look up “Brazilian,” you learn that the national language of Brazil is in fact Portuguese. It occurs to you that the root of your trouble and the vague stinging sensation is in fact learning, and you resolve never to do it again.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Ever wonder why cats look so happy? It’s because they really don’t care what you think. Follow their example, and all your problems will drift away on the tuna boat of dreams.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Have you been struggling to lose weight? Do certain parts of your anatomy resemble a soup spoon? It’s a little known fact that “you are what you eat” is actually a mistranslation. The real expression is, “you are what you eat with.” Forget about low-carb, low-fat and all that nonsense. Instead, give away all your silverware and buy a jumbo-size package of toothpicks to eat whatever you want with. You’ll be slim and trim in no time!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

This month, remember that friends are like eggs: they fill you up, but if they’re not fully cooked, they can give you salmonella, and then not even give back your Zoolander DVD.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You are right to continue your quest for understanding the deepest and most impenetrable paradoxes and mysteries of life, despite your beloved’s insistence that the mystical in fact resides within the practical world. You will mock this idea until you find yourself stranded on the roadside, pondering the meaning of that “check engine” light you’ve been ignoring.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

This month, you will learn that nothing is less sexy than indecisiveness when you tell your significant other that you feel ready to “take this to the level and get married! Or maybe just take a good in-between step, like sharing a Netflix account, one of the two…”

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

After reading the new BPJ Cosmos section article, you become obsessed with discovering what lies beyond our universe, and making contact with extraterrestrial life forms. You devote weeks to building an interstellar communication device out of popsicle sticks, a broken toaster and a hamster wheel, which runs on a mix of plutonium and Axe body spray. You make contact with an individual from the Omega Centauri Galaxy, form a beautiful interspecies friendship and begin to spend most of your time chatting. Together, the two of you discover proof of a new cosmological constant: Again, Axe body spray.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Remember, the pen is mightier than the sword, but cheese graters can be surprisingly sharp. I think you know what I mean. Every rose has its thorn.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You have been searching for solutions far and wide, but maybe you’re trying too hard. Sometimes the answer to the toughest problems can be found by combining resources you already have. Need a luxurious vacation? Take a bubble bath while listening to the natural sounds of birds on Youtube! Need an exciting new change from your daily coffee fix? Try ketchup-milk! Well, you get the idea.

Read June 2014 humorscope: Quick, get me there before I stop laughing!!!

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