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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
This month, you learn that sometimes it can be a fine line between “being creative,” “making a statement” and “asking for it” when, late one night, you prune your neighbors’ hedge in the shape of a crocodile to express the predatory nature of capitalism. You may think sharing your poem on the same subject with them will help, but some people just don’t understand real art.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
June 21 marks the summer solstice, also known as Litha in Pagan circles. On Midsummer’s Eve, you will attend a sacred fire ritual at the edge of a secret lake, where you will be given the honor of lighting the fire as the Ancients did so long ago. You will offer your gratitude to the triple goddess and the four directions, and shed tears of communion with the earth, sky and tall trees. Skyclad, wearing a garland of wildflowers and little else, you will drink mead made from honey and swim in the cool, clear waters of the lake, staying up all night to welcome the moon and the dawn. Either that or you will watch an all-night Star Wars marathon on TV, which would also be fun.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
At first, it will seem like bad luck when you come home from a short hike in the mountains with a severe poison ivy rash on most of your body. However, thanks to your inability to scratch discretely at the grocery store and the proliferation of video-recording smartphones, you will become a Youtube superstar overnight, ushering in a dance craze which will be known as “Bootyscratch Fever.” For a while, it will be difficult to go out in public without being instantly recognized as “the O.B.” (original bootyscratcher) and asked for autographs, but eventually you will end up with your own album and a product line of scented calamine lotions. Good times!
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Gautam the Buddha once said, “In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true.” Remembering these words and letting them sink into your heart: very wise. Quoting them to the IRS guy when asked for directions to your house: not so much.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Religion is the untapped power you have been looking for in your life. For example, no one appreciates it now when you hide behind the bushes and throw gummy bears at them, but if it was part of your religion, not only would do you get to do it, but you could probably get a day off work to do it all day long. This month, you will start a new religion called “Candyism” dedicated exclusively to playing Candy Crush and throwing gummy bears at pedestrians. Candyism will pass up all the other world religions within a month or so, which will anger the Flying Spaghetti Monster greatly. Watch your back, Taurus—that guy’s got connections.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Noticing the popularity of internet quizzes like “What color is your aura?” or “What superhero are you?”, which appeal to supermarket spirituality, delusions of grandeur and social media hypnosis, you theorize that there must also be a big market for more down-to-earth quizzes, and invest your life savings in a company which creates quizzes like “What kind of mold is in your fridge?” and “How will you probably die?” Unfortunately for you, no one really wants to know.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good news! This month, in a bizarre event involving hiding under the covers with an etch-a-sketch, a can of Diet Dr. Pepper and a few unstable molecules, you accidentally invent a sticky but functional invisibility cloak. This works out great for a while, and you do pretty well in the petty theft arena, but the problem of the cloak evaporating unexpectedly leaves you one too many times stark naked with your paws in the cash register at Family Dollar, and after a brief prison sentence you vow to go back to college and major in astrochemistry so you can perfect the cloak and take over the world. There’s a good chance you’ll change your major halfway through, however, and end up a paralegal with massive student loan debt. Either way, you’ll be better off than you are now, though, and get some really cool new facial tattoos.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You are becoming more and more attractive in your social media selfies, thanks to lots of hard work and practice. Your experiments with stage makeup, low lighting and various camera angles (from above and a little to the right seems to be best) are really paying off, and you are getting lots of “likes” and even an increasing number of comments like “great pic” or “pm me hot stuf.” The only downside to this is that, later this month, you will be kidnapped by a human trafficking ring, and although you will actually see some of the folks from your “friend list” through the back window of a van and call out to them, they won’t recognize you.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
This month, someone amazing is going to ask you if you have room in your life for a miracle, to which you should immediately say no. You know full well you’re way too busy as it is.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Everyone loves a good pun, but there is a time and a place for it, as you will learn the hard way after sending your uncle, who is in the hospital with kidney stones, a get-well-soon-card in which you have written, “Don’t worry—this too shall pass.”
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Don’t feel selfish about taking some time out for yourself. In your case, this is probably the most important thing you can do for the safety of everyone in the house.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Financial troubles may seem worrisome this month, but keep your chin up. Your luck will change suddenly when you touch a magic chicken, light brown with a bluish aura, who is eating Cheetos off the ground at the gas station. You turn around at the honk of a horn, and when you turn back, the chicken is gone and so are all the Cheetos but one. Sheepishly, amidst sideways glances from onlookers, yet driven by a mysterious force beyond your comprehension, you are compelled to grab the dayglo-orange morsel and swallow it whole. That night, the chicken comes to you in your dreams, wearing the most elegant belly-dancing costume you’ve ever seen and a purple amethyst jewel on her third eye. She stares straight into your soul, shimmying and switching her feathery little hips until you are hypnotized. A feeling of deep eternal ease, akin to laughter but without even a ripple of movement, settles into the core of your being, and you can see clearly the futility of all desire and anguish. The akashic wisdom of the ages enters you, and you realize that not only are you no longer capable of suffering, but that all your suffering, from the last ten thousand lifetimes, has been an illusion, a meaningless garment that you wore needlessly, not realizing that it was not a part of you. The rest of your life will be an extension of the joy that you have become, and instead of speaking, a gentle laughter will float from your lips every time you open your mouth, which you will find hilarious. Your finances will remain about the same, but that won’t bother you anymore.
Read July 2014 humorscope: Do it for the children!!!
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