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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Did you ever see The Karate Kid, where Ralph Macchio thinks the old man is just using him when he makes him wash cars all day long, but then it turns out to be a mysterious method for training him in karate? You should find somebody like that to wash your car.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
It has long been speculated that every human being has a doppelganger, or living double, somewhere on the earth. This month, you will meet your doppelganger quite accidentally in the dentist’s office, where you discover that not only do you look like twins, but you both have gingivitis. A beautiful friendship is born, which will result in lots of hilarious dating hijinks and a solemn pact to encourage each other to floss.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
The divine is inseparable from the mundane, and the wisdom you seek is not hiding in scriptures or dusty old books, but is right in front of you if you know how to look. For example, have you ever noticed how that owl in Candy Crush Dreamtime—Odus is his name, I think—can go from panicking madly to sleeping soundly in the blink of an eye? Keep meditating, and this could be you!
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Your new career as a superhero is successful at first, and your alter ego, “Bore Maniac,” takes fighting crime to a whole new level by causing criminals to instantly lose consciousness when you tell excruciatingly long and detailed stories about your personal filing system, tax returns and embroidery projects. An article entitled “Boredom as a Superpower” is published in the local newspaper, and your popularity soars. Your days as the city’s vigilante savior are cut short, however, when a comic strip in the same paper suggests a different and rather degrading meaning for the letters “B.M.,” which you have embroidered boldly on your spandex crime-fighting costume. You become a laughingstock, and the villains of the city can no longer keep a straight face when you appear on the scene, rendering your superpower useless. To make matters worse, your true identity will be guessed immediately by friends and family, who have always known about your superpower. In the end, though, the joke will be on them when you make millions acting in commercials as the mascot for an up-and-coming fiber laxative company. Good times!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
July 4th commemorates the American Independence from England, but your Independence Day will come on the 7th or 8th, when you wise up and declare your own independence from slavery to the multinational corporate-political New World Order. You will thoroughly enjoy quitting your job, getting your family the heck out of the Matrix, and finding true happiness on your own off-grid permaculture farm with real chickens and rabbits. Or at least quit the gym, for crying out loud. You know you want to.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This month, a squirrel will steal your burrito. Let it go, friend. Just let it go.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Your life will feel like it is crumbling around you like a house of cards, or maybe a house of cards made of very crumbly cookies decorated to look like cards. Disillusionment will leap at you from every shadow, and force you to question every shred of truth you thought you knew was real. Has your courage been underscored by cowardice? Is your hard-earned wisdom really idiotic? Kind of, but it’s not nearly as bad as you think. All you really need is a good set of Tupperware and a solid date planner and everything will work out fine.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
As the old zen saying goes, “Spring comes, and the grass grows by itself.” Sometimes problems solve themselves, and the best thing to do is to do nothing at all. Other times, you need to stop being a wuss and looking for old zen sayings to support your wussiness. That is zen abuse and your inner Buddha and I have had just about enough of it.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
This month will be pretty much the same as last month. Well, except for the ninjas.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Your creative genius strikes gold this month, and you finally make a significant contribution to society when you realize that the most important factor for the success of just about any Facebook game is whether its name ends in “ville.” The new, wildly popular games you create will not only provide you with a steady income, but “Herpesville,” “Crabsville” and “Syphilisville” will spread awareness like wildfire!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
If your friends jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, does that mean you have to jump too? There’s nothing cool about being “busy.” Stop showing off and doing stuff all the time.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
If you keep practicing and developing your Jedi mind powers, you will soon realize that the Force is at your command. The best place to practice, I have found, is in front of the automatic doors at grocery stores.
Read August 2014 humorscope: Yeah baby, take me there before the boss comes!!!
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