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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You have a difficult dilemma you have been wrestling with for a long time now, but the answer is much simpler than you think. Two words: fake moustache.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
This month, throw caution to the wind and flaunt your freedom! By that I mean that even though you can’t afford to go scuba diving, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wear your goggles and snorkel out in public. Who’s to say what’s appropriate headgear for restaurants, shopping malls, or bowling alleys? Be true to your inner diver! If you feel shy, wait another month so you can save up and get the matching flippers.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Boredom will be a challenge for you this month. Brighten your days and the days of those around you with a little creativity! My suggestion is to call a tech hotline and ask for help with Mozzarella Firefox, or maybe drive through Starbuck’s and order a caramel machete.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You have been worrying needlessly for years about what your friends think of you. By now, it’s pretty much impossible to make a good impression, so take it easy and be yourself!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Your spiritual growth continues to evolve in its own way, in its own time. Compassion is the flower that will bloom in you this month when you go back to school and hear Lisa Wilfart’s name on the roll call.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
An awkward collision with a mysterious mustachioed gentleman wearing a lavender tuxedo in the light bulb aisle of the grocery store will result in a fissure in the space-time continuum, and you will be briefly transported to the exact same location five years from now for about five minutes, and then returned to your own time. This won’t be as life-changing an experience as you might imagine, the only difference being that you will begin stock-piling those fluorescent light bulbs around the house and telling all your friends and family that you know they are the “light bulbs of the future.” They won’t believe you, but if you invest heavily in fluorescent light bulb stock, there’s a good chance you’ll make a fortune and you can rub it in later. Good times!
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Do you have lots of advice to give, but often meet with resistance and/or physical harm when you try to share your “truthy nuggets” with family and friends? Don’t be put off by their recommendations that you direct your all-seeing eye towards yourself—this is just a cry for help. Instead, write down your suggestions and keen judgments about their personal lives on little sticky notes, and put them in places which will surprise them and show them you really care, like the cereal box or maybe their underwear drawer.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
This month, be careful who you trust. You never know who is secretly peeing in the shower. And/or the closet.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You have all the tools you need to get everything you want if you can just find new ways to look at the world around you. Pulling the pin and spraying a fire extinguisher, for example, is not only an excellent way to put out a small fire, but is a sure way to change the topic of any conversation.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You may be seriously considering quitting your job this month, which would be an excellent idea. Unfortunately, you may not be able to go through with it due to the no-quitting policy there.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
August is the time, once again, for those exciting before-school parent-teacher conferences. This year, make your children proud by bringing along a few old photos of them on their first potty to show their new teachers. Believe me, they’ll thank you later!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
This month, don’t give up on your brilliant mind, and don’t give in to the pressure to fit in and be one of the crowd. Sure, Beyoncé’s “real” lyrics might be “All the single ladies,” but you should keep singing, “All the single lettuce” when you hear it on the radio. How many people have the sensitivity to really understand and give a voice to that last piece of lettuce, sitting there all alone in the cold, cold refrigerated section of the grocery store? I also happen to agree with you that the 80’s hit “Every Time You Go Away” makes much more sense if, instead of, “You take a piece of me with you,” the second line goes, “You take a piece of meat with you.” This song is about a person whose neighbor is constant coming over and eating, and never returning the favor or any of your delicious food. This is injustice, and the time to stand up and speak out is now. Sing it loud and sing it proud!
Read September 2014 humorscope: Keep rolling!!!
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