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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Happy St. Patrick’s Day! This year, you will realize that the custom of celebrating Irish culture by drinking in order to imitate an ugly stereotype of Irish people is inherently racist. Instead, you will propose that St. Patrick’s Day should be celebrated with public competitions in which contestants read as much of James Joyce’s Ulysses as they can without bathroom breaks. Your friends will agree emphatically with this idea. Keep in mind, however, that they will agree emphatically with just about anything when they’re this drunk.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
At a beautiful Pagan Ostara ceremony, you will celebrate the spring equinox, at dawn in a clearing deep in the woods. The powerful symbolism of a young girl in a flowing white dress tapping the ground with a wand to wake up Mother Earth will move you to tears… well, kind of a combination of the powerful symbolism and your powerful allergies.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will accompany your sneezy Aquarian friend to the aforementioned magical Ostara ceremony. You will also have a great time there, despite your friend’s incessant sniffling, until a March hare, which was considered to be a powerful symbol of fertility to Medieval Europeans, leaps out from the forest and blasts straight across the circle. You will take this as a sign, freak out, and look up “March hares” on the internet as soon as you get home. You will learn that, in mating season, the female hare can get pregnant with a second litter of bunnies while already pregnant with a first. She is also superfecund. Your thoughts will wander, and you will wonder if it’s possible that humans could be superfecund. Today, though, you’ll spend most of the day looking up “superfecund” on the internet.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This month, a new flame burns inside your search for truth, and your mystical journey reaches new heights. You have questions, deep inside, that cannot be answered by anyone but you: Who are you? Is there a god? Will you fit inside the laundry hamper if you scrunch up really small? If you do fit, will you get stuck and need to call for help to get out? Anything is possible!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Late-night internet research will lead you to discover “No Pants Day,” and, in this, the first holiday you can really believe in. The next morning, in your gusto to celebrate, you will overlook the fine print, which specifies the exact date that the holiday should be celebrated on. You will not realize your mistake until an hour later, when the door closes and you are already moving on public transportation. The bad news: law enforcement officers will not find this “simple misunderstanding” as humorous as your fellow passengers do. The good news: for your age, your knees look great!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will have an awkward encounter with your admittedly androgynous postal carrier this month when you remember a bill you need to mail and call out, “Wait, mailman, um, ladyman, I mean, mail lady.” This will be the beginning of a lot of learning and soul-searching for you, and you will be impressed with just how far the modern world has come with progressive terms like “mail carrier,” “fire fighter,” and “police officer.” You will become inspired to bring more justice to the oppressive English language, and write a letter addressed to “Dictionary people” arguing that the black widow spider should be renamed “the black spouse spider.” The dictionary people will agree and change the name immediately, and you will be heralded as a freedom fighter (among spiders, anyway).
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You’ve been learning a lot on Youtube lately, which is great. Not every repair is a do-it-yourself project, however. You will learn this the hard way from a video entitled “Save Money At-home Root Canal.”
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
The bliss of meditation opens new doors in you, and your silent awareness of your own ego continues to become more profound. You will suddenly realize this, become egotistical about it, and have to start over.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Sometimes it’s difficult to make sense of this world, with all its mysteries and inequalities. You will find peace in studying the law of karma, which states that nothing in this world can happen to you that you don’t deserve. Why are some people born rich, and others poor? Why are some children happy, kind and good at math, while others just like to put trash in your mailbox? Another way of looking at it is that there’s nothing you can do, either good or bad, that won’t come back to haunt you. Keep this in mind at the restaurant later tonight, when you consider ordering the all-you-can-eat platter of hot-n-spicy onion rings…
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Someone is going to steal your trash can. Family members may assert the hypothesis that it was just blown away by the wind, but believe me, it was stolen. The only reasonable course of action is to take a few days off work and develop extensive plans and notes on the various suspects—your neighbors, mostly, and other enemies who had the motives and spare time to execute this vile act—and how to catch them and bring them to justice. Don’t give in to said family members who might encourage you to simply buy a new trash can. Instead, buy a bulletin board and a subscription to Netflix, and watch the X-Files from beginning to end (so you can really get the most out of your bulletin board). You will feel depressed, empty and cheated after watching the last episode, but don’t worry. That’s normal. Just remember everything that you have been through is in the name of justice. That’s what you will tell your boss, anyway.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Once again, you are taking your creative interpretations of scripture too far, and offending the neighbors. You know as well as I do that when Gautam Buddha said, “Strip yourself of worldly desire,” that’s not what he meant.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Early this month, you will discover a really cool website which features a “quote of the day” from famous philosophers and artists. This will be fun until you read the Friedrich Nietzsche quote which states, “You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star,” and you begin to question whether the chaos within you is really chaos-ey enough to qualify. Your spirits will sink, and you will wonder why you exist at all. You will get the nagging feeling that God is dead, and when you get up the nerve to go back online and find that Nietzsche said that too, you will be even more depressed, because this makes it even more likely that he was right about the dancing star thing. You will lie on the couch for weeks, crying and eating nothing but peanut butter, straight out of the jar. Every time you look inside for the burning chaos, all you find is theme songs from old TV sitcoms, and a vague yearning for some fruit-flavored cereal that doesn’t exist anymore, or perhaps never existed, except in your mind. Finally, just as you are facing the painful existentialist angst of the boringness of your insides, teetering on the razor’s edge of madness, you return in desperation to the quotation website, holding your last shred of sanity in your left hand, and your last shred of hope in your right. The quote of the day will be from the great pop artist Andy Warhol, and read, “I like boring things.” Salvation! Can you take this as a sign? Is this proof of the existence of God? Is the Universe trying to communicate directly with you? Yes, yes it is. Is it trying to say “you’re just fine the way you are, and in facing the long, dark night of the soul, you have vanquished it, and given birth to the dancing star that is your own soul”? Could be. Either that or “stop taking things so seriously and go brush your teeth.” Either way, you're in the clear. Good times!
Read April 2014 humorscope: Click here and you are the April Fool!!!
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