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~April 2014~

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Happy April! Spring is your season, and lately, you have been as happy as a schoolgirl on Saturday. You could even say, as some sage before you did, that “life is a like bowl of cherries.” You cannot, however, sneak into the fridge in the wee hours of the night and pick all the cherries out of the fruit cocktail meant for everyone. Not cool, Capricorn. Not cool.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

The first step to changing is wanting to change; yet, in matters of heart and soul, although it goes against our animal instincts, that change must come from your present consciousness, not from knowledge gained from past experiences. The past can never inform the present because the past is dead, and the present is alive, incomparable. This April Fool’s Day, having been duped in the past, and often referred to by your friends as “gullible,” a “sucker” and worse, you are determined to become more street-smart. When a close friend announces her marriage engagement, you exclaim, “To that flabby muttonheaded gasbag? Nice try! April Fools!” and laugh uproariously. You will persist in your “street smarts” for about the first ten minutes of her crying, until you realize what has happened and begin apologizing profusely. This will not make her feel much better, but punching you in the stomach will.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

This month, a sudden memory of economics class and your rudimentary understanding of the law of supply and demand will inspire you to start your own business, setting up a hot dog stand at the local organic farmer’s market. You will be surprised to discover how well educated some hippies really are about GMOs, the meat industry and the New World Order, how much they enjoy sharing their knowledge, and how much free time they seem to have. Needless to say, you will soon be a vegetarian with a new dreadlocked lover named Otter who smells vaguely of patchouli. Congratulations, you two, and good luck with the organic asparagus stand!

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your life will take on new meaning and depth when you finally find the courage to chase your high school dream of starting a heavy metal/ polka fusion band. It will be a struggle at first, not because the music you create is less than soul-shattering, but because your audience is unclear about the services you provide, often showing up at concerts with piles of dirty laundry. Your drummer, of course, will blame you for naming the band “The Dry Cleanerz,” but your loyal accordionist will remain by your side, believing as deeply as you do in your message of rebellion against the “stains of conformity.” Eventually, you will become an international superstar, and your fans will wear long plastic garment bags as a sign of solidarity. Good times!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

This month, your wildest dreams will come true. Well, the one you had after you drank that expired milk and fell asleep on the sofa will, anyway… about your cousin and the snake. Freaky.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your pet hamster just doesn’t seem like himself lately. He sleeps all day, barely touches his food pellets, and runs like a maniac on his wheel all night long. Has he gone off the deep end? Is he depressed? Has he begun to doubt the meaning of his narrow glass-walled existence, fearing that life is nothing more than an endless repetition of similar tasks, played out in a pathetic mixture of shredded newspaper and his own feces, that lead ultimately only to a lonely, meaningless death, beyond which lies no punishment and no reward, but only an empty abyss or, worse yet, infinite lifetimes of desperately suckling at the looming water bottles that hang over his head, threatening annihilation and distorting reality, doling out droplets that can never truly satisfy either body or soul? Probably not, buddy. He’s a hamster. Get him checked for worms.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will betray your favorite neighborhood diner where you are a “regular” by eating at the ritzy national chain diner across town. You will then brazenly dare to return to your beloved local eatery, where you will try to hide your shame with small-talk and a hurried request for “the usual.” The waitress will see right through you, and give you a look that would make Mussolini quake in his boots. You deserve it, though. How could you?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Until now, your love for ranch dressing has been under control. I completely agree that ranch is delicious on salads, sandwiches, and even fries. This month, however, you will take it to a new level, and your friends will become worried when you begin wearing a trench coat regardless of the weather and keep a full flask of ranch dressing in the inside pocket at all times, surreptitiously taking a “pull” every time you think no one’s looking. Soon, your desire for the ranch will consume your life—school, work, friends, and family will all seem meaningless next to that creamy, zesty bliss. Your loved ones will stage a ranch intervention, and you will eventually admit through your tears that you have a problem and beg for professional help. After rehab, you will switch to honey mustard.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

It’s springtime, and romance is in the air! Well, that or you have a gas leak. Either way, get it checked before someone gets hurt.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Perhaps you should try focusing a bit more on your inner voice, and reflecting on your actions and true intentions, instead of binge-watching the admittedly hilarious rerun antics of Alice and the gang over at Mel’s diner. There’s a good chance you have been saying yes when you should say no, no when you should say yes, and “Kiss my grits” when you should say, “Sorry, Officer. How fast was I going?”

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A fortuitous meeting with a door-to-door sales representative will result in a spicy new romance, and the purchase of several above-average cleaning products for your home or office. Score!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

This April Fool’s Day, you have the great idea of livening things up around the office with some good, old-fashioned practical jokes, like the classic whoopee cushion and even the old chewing-gum-on-the-chair trick. This is a great hit and you become more popular than ever. You forget, however, that the retaliation always tends to “kick it up a notch,” and that elderly women often have access to arts-and-crafts hot glue guns, something that will occur to you when you are lying face-down in the emergency room. The good news? Your colleagues will find the inflatable “donut” you will need to sit down for the next three weeks hilarious!

Read May 2014 humorscope: Yaaaaaaaaaaaah baby, click click!!!

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