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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will be engulfed in the pure wonder of spring this month when, as you step out your front door to go to work one bright morning, you are fearlessly approached by a gentle, wide-eyed fawn, seemingly sent by Mother Nature herself as a token of love. That tender feeling will be followed by a mixture of amazement and anger when said fawn takes a leak on your favorite shoes.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will have trouble with your priorities this month when, lost in your own thoughts, you forget to say “thank you” to the bagger at the grocery store. The young boy, who is in fact a warlock twice your age, will let it go the first time, but when it happens again, he will curse you with persistent backne and also tell everyone to put your eggs on the bottom.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Your love life will be on fire this month, Pisces. The cause, once again, is faulty wiring.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Do you wonder what the point is sometimes—loving flowers destined to wither, getting attached to people destined to leave you, building a life for yourself when you’re destined to die? Well, think of it this way: at least you don’t have allergies. Unless, of course, you have allergies. Happy spring!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Don’t count your chickens before they hatch, Taurus. And if they do start hatching, I think one of your “hens” has something to tell you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You’re getting older every day, and it’s time to spice up your humdrum daily routine. Otherwise, the years will slip by, and you’ll wonder where the time went, dragging from one somnambulistic week to the next. The easiest way to feel like you’re really living again is to buy some good bright markers and decorate some ping pong balls to look like eyeballs or other body parts. These are a great investment that can be used in a plethora of dull situations. For example, if you have pretty big eye sockets, you can use them to show your Applebee’s waitress just how exciting the specials sound. And what do you do while waiting in line at the bank? Don’t just stand there like a jerk looking at your phone—I say the “I-just-vomited-up-a-testicle” gag never gets old.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Sometimes violent behavior is just a cover-up for a soul who feels vulnerable, broken, longing for someone to embrace and love them unconditionally. This will not be the case, however, with the badger who breaks into your kitchen.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good news! Looks like a trip to France is in your future. No, not France. Fire ants. Tripping into a pile of fire ants. They sound so similar. Anyhow, what doesn’t kill you… might feel better after some ointment, I guess.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Everything seems fine at night, Virgo. The doors are locked, the stove is off, and Daylight Savings shenanigans are finally over, so you may feel inclined to go to sleep. However, your house is full of ghosts, who come out between two and three in the morning. Thank goodness your cat can see them!
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
The entire internet will be deleted this month due to an adorable yet surprisingly flammable stuffed rabbit. After a mild nervous breakdown, you will enjoy meeting “people” and learning your way around “outside.”
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You’ve been needlessly worried lately, Scorpio, and I think if you look inside, you already know the answer to your dilemma—a furry hat. Obviously.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will be plagued, this month, with the fear that you have a life-threatening illness. Visits to several specialists will be inconclusive, but don’t worry. It’s probably just a piece of hair on the back of your tongue. Good times!
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