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~ April 2016: Poetry Edition~

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Happy National Poetry Month! Things have been building up, and this month you will witness a very emotional toothpaste commercial that will push you right over the edge. In a flash, you will be able to see clearly that humanity can and must be saved, and that your destiny is to open their hearts and minds with the most powerful drug known to man: poetry (of course). You subsequently quit your job and become a vigilante, taking your passion for the romantics, the beats, and the Harlem Renaissance to the streets. Each night, in your hand-sewn “poetic avenger” costume, armed only with a backpack full of spray paint and library books, you slip out into the darkness to scrawl stanzas of love, longing, and hope upon the tenement walls of the world. Your plan is just crazy enough to work, and you will eventually save the earth and become a beloved hero, especially to the new generation (although they will, understandably, make fun of your tights).

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Trouble with the law this month, Aries, and once again, your fancy booksmarts are to blame. Remember, the correct response when a police officer asks you, “Speedy Gonzalez! Know how fast you were going? What’s the big hurry?” is “Sorry, officer,” not, “Believe it or not, meathead, you just wrote a haiku.”

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

This month, your songwriting career will skyrocket. Orthodontists will hate you, but young lovers will rejoice at the mere mention of your name. Seventh graders around the world will soon be slow dancing in poorly-lit gymnasiums and/or Frenching their pillows at home to the sultry strains of “I Don’t Care if You Have Spinach in Your Braces.” Good times!

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Whatever your troubles are—a faltering career as a pajama-gram poet, a child in your life with a persistent biting habit, or frequent raccoon attacks —take a step back this month and remember that life is just a game. In this game, win or lose, you deserve cake. Cake and a good antibiotic ointment.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will drop something important this month, Taurus. At first I thought it might be a bad habit, like writing sestinas, saying “like” all the time, or maybe shooting heroin, but it might be more like a baby, or a donut. Yes, you will drop the baby or donut, but it will land frosting side up. Just like life.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

This month, Gemini, you will prove once again that the pen is indeed mightier than the sword. Just not mightier than the badgers.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

This month, you begin an inspired journey towards the ultimate marriage between reason and imagination when you enroll in law school, determined to be the first lawyer ever to file documents written in a classic ABAB rhyme scheme (and the occasional limerick) instead of legalese. Ten years from now, I’m pretty sure you’ll still be able to get your old job back.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Spring will be a time of learning and growth for you. Although most people have heard of finger-painting monkeys and gorillas who know sign language, you will be the first to discover that cats can actually write poetry. At first you will be thrilled to begin translating your cats’ creative work for the world; however, as is often the case with discoveries of this magnitude, you will soon realize that ignorance was bliss when you learn that most of their poems are about their, um, feelings about your personal smells and your taste in fashion, lovers, and home decor. This will confirm what I think you already knew deep down: Like many geniuses, Socks and Midnight are brilliant, but they are also judgmental, butt-licking bastards.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Your hours spent scrolling social media will finally pay off this month when you realize that the muse you have been fruitlessly searching for, in nature and passionate love affairs, has been under your nose the whole time. Your new book of poetry, Charlie Bit my Finger, will be a bestseller. Good times!

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Happy spring! As they say, April showers bring May flowers. And toilet snakes. Remember that.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Depression will hit this month after being called upon repeatedly to deal with idiots at work, but your joie de vivre will be revived when, on the drive home one day, you get some poetic advice from a billboard. Apparently paid for by the trash company, it reads, “Because it’s a trash can, not a trash can’t.” Exactly!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

An artistic awakening is in store for you this month, Sagittarius. Not only will the poet in you take flight on the heels of your lyric prose, but you will also expand your passions to include the canvas when a fortuitous link leads you to one of the greatest creative souls of our time:

Read May 2016 Humorscope: In a way, it's always May...

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