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January 2018

By Jason Graff

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

I humbly offer the following tips for the year ahead, Capricorn. First, keep a French horn close at hand for the day is coming when you’ll awaken to find that you can play it uncommonly well. Second, you will need to learn how to feed and rehabilitate a seal. Third, you’ll find it difficult to take on any other new hobbies besides these and really the seal thing is going to kind of take over your life for a few years.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

The year ahead will be a real barrel of laughs, Aquarius. At first, it’ll bring you joy, then it’ll threaten to drive you mad. By December, you’ll be trying to remember who it was that gave you a seemingly empty barrel as a gift. And where is that freaking noise coming from anyway?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Pisces, 2018 will shape up to be a great year for you: a new job, continued success in your personal life, and finally finding an exterminator to take care of that bed bug issue.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Aires, unfortunately this will not be the year when people recognize how much work you’ve done to get that raging ego of yours under control. No matter how many times you preface your remarks with “I hate to brag,” people still fail to pick up on it. God, it’s like they aren’t even listening.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Taurus, you will come as close to true Socratic wisdom as you ever have this year. Of course, it was Socrates who said: “True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us.” So, yes, things are going to get hella confusing.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Gemini, this will be the year you finally learn to slow down and take life as it comes. By giving yourself time to stop and smell the flowers, you’ll come to realize all that you have been missing. And as your neighbors’ deranged gardener menaces you with a pair of hedge shears, you’ll find you no longer resent not being invited to their barbeques.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

A fresh year, a fresh start, Cancer. In many ways, you need one. In other ways, however, it comes prematurely such as with your loyalty card from that sub shop on the corner. It does not roll over. You’ll need to start a new one, but maybe this is the year you finally eat your way to one half-priced sub. Sadly, I know not, as my predictions this year are strictly gluten-free.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

It is an even numbered year, so you know what that means Leo. 365 days of not having to wonder whether or not the year is a prime number. It’ll be a load off your mind. Think about how nice that’s going to be.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Depending on how one reads your chart, Virgo, the year could go one of two ways. It could be another year of the same deadening drudgery or it could another year of the same deadening drudgery with a refreshing lemon-fresh scent. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Libra, as I gaze up on your chart for this year I am reminded why I usually never work at a slanted table. There’s Dr. Pepper everywhere. What a mess. I just know the fellow behind the counter is going to give me one of his looks for taking so many napkins. Worst day ever!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Another year, Scorpio, another 52 weeks spent wondering how it will end. Spoiler alert: it ends with you kissing a stranger at a New Year's Eve costume party in your building that you'll have to crash because your neighbor doesn’t like you. You’ll be dressed as a Care Bear. So, it’ll be pretty much the same as the last three years. You really should start being nicer to the people who live in your building and maybe think up a new costume.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Hey Sagittarius, here’s a great way to save on your electric bill.

About the author

Jason Graff

Jason Graff is an educator as well as a writer of essays, poetry and fiction. In the Service of the Boyar, published by Strange Fictions Press, is his debut novella. He can be found on Twitter @jasongraff1, Facebook at Author Jason Graff as well as at a website in need of updating. An excerpt from his forthcoming novel Stray Our Pieces is up over at The Write Launch.

Read February 2018 Humorscope: Let the humor come...

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