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~January 2014~

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sock puppets
By Elke Wetzig (elya) (Own work) [GFDL, CC-BY-SA-3.0 or CC-BY-SA-2.5-2.0-1.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

It’s true what they say about creating your own destiny in life. It your case, it might be safest to start with something simple, like a little house made out of popsicle sticks, or maybe a sock puppet.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

People keep telling you that you need some direction in your life. The best response to this will be to make a bulk purchase of a couple thousand “Not all who wander are lost” bumper stickers, and put one on your undershirt each morning. Then, start wearing those cowboy-type shirts with snaps instead of buttons, and the next time someone criticizes your dream of becoming assistant manager at “Dragons and Vacuums,” rip it open superman-style. Booyah!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You’ve been feeling lonely lately, and the best way to deal with it is to stop hiding from your pain. Sit down, close your eyes and face yourself, all the way down to your core, until you realize that you are all that you have ever envied and more than all you have ever desired, and your solitude becomes the greatest blessing of your life. Either that or start some arguments with random strangers on Facebook, which is also fun.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

This is going to be a year of awakening and great discovery for you. You may have already discovered, for example, that your father has secretly been wearing a toupee all these years, which explains a lot, when you think about it, like the locked cabinet in the bathroom, and the bottle marked “head glue” in the garage. Once you forgive him for telling you the extravagant story about being abducted by aliens who seamlessly remove your hair every night for use as currency on their home world in order to explain your own ever-expanding baldness, this will kindle a new camaraderie between the two of you, and you will spend countless hours discussing different theories and methods of keeping toupees silky smooth and less itchy. It will, however, make you even more curious about the locked compartment in the fridge. If you’re thinking, oh, this doesn’t apply to me, I’m not bald! Well… happy awakening. Comb gently, my friend. Comb gently.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your New Year’s resolution to stop following the crowd and think for yourself is a great idea! For starters, you should start smoking and try to gain some weight.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

It’s great that you’re so generous with your advice for your friends, and they really do appreciate it. When you think about it, it would just be wrong not to allow your loved ones the benefit of your vast knowledge and experience with fashion, relationships, and quantum mechanics, even if most of it comes from recollections of playing D and D with your cousin and watching “The View.” Who knows what would happen to them without your guidance? Some people just don’t know how to express their gratitude, which is why their faces tend to turn kind of reddish-purple when you share your pearls of wisdom. I’m pretty sure that whole “cut brake lines” thing was a fluke, too, probably just some hungry squirrels or something.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You were right that your New Year’s resolution to be completely honest with yourself and others is going to change everything. The beginning of your new way of life will start today when the grocery store checker asks, “How’s it going?” and you show her the rash on your you-know-what.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

No one can argue that Star Trek isn’t the best science fiction entertainment franchise of all time, but try to remember that not everyone has the passion for it that you do. Non-Klingon females, for example, may not understand that growling and drawing blood with a bite on the cheek is a sign of affection, a lesson you’re likely to learn the hard way.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You’ve been feeling very happy lately, for some reason. Perhaps there’s something you have not analyzed from all angles. Did you forget that you have problems? Lots and lots of problems…

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Your keen financial sense and history of reading self-help books will convince you that the market for “Law of Attraction” literature has been flooded. Your new book, The Law of Repulsion, is going to be a best-seller!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Your New Year’s resolution to be more of a hands-on parent to your teenagers is off to an excellent start. I think you look great in those “skinny jeans,” no matter what your spouse says. Nothing makes you look cooler to teens than when you show them you care about them by embracing their fashion and hip, modern lingo. By the way, the new word for “groovy” is “smurfy.” Use it as much as you can and, when school starts up again, don’t forget to walk your kids all the way to class.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

It’s time to stop holding back and get to work. Seriously, you’re late. Stop goofing around and go get dressed.

Read February 2014 humorscope: Yes baby, take me there!

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