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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will come down with the Tirellian flu, a horrible new disease which is spreading like a plague across the land. Doctors will be baffled and you yourself may even feel like giving up at times. Quite by accident, however, you will stumble upon the cure, which is to go swinging at the playground for at least an hour a day. Billions of lives will be saved, playgrounds and swingsets will replace war zones around the world, and you will get a permanent 20% discount at your favorite coffee shop. Good times!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
This month, you’d better be ready to face your deepest fears. By that I mean that if you don’t do something about that green stuff growing on the inside door of the fridge, it’s going to do something about you.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
After an intense 6-hour silent sitting meditation while holding a potato against your “third eye,” you experience the revelation that vegetables have feelings too, and that to eat them is immoral. Your family, who are not as spiritually advanced as you are, will insist that you’re going overboard when you try to force them to eat only apples and boiled pine needles which have fallen of their own free will, but they’ll come around if you stick with it. Singing and playing ukulele songs like “Oh Suffering Summer Squash,” and “The Cry of the Cauliflower” while they eat might also help.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
It’s time to stop sending yourself flowers and candy from people like “Angelina Jolie” and “Shah Rukh Khan” on Valentine’s Day to impress your colleagues at work. You worry too much about other people’s opinion of you, and they’re on to you anyway, thanks to Cynthia in accounting’s big mouth. This year, be proud, stand your ground and sign those little cards “Your beautiful self” and “Beloved Me.” After work, take yourself out for a night on the town you’ll never forget.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You’ve been letting the little things bother you more than you should. For example, you may have been overreacting when a certain someone ate the last avocado and you spraypainted “avocado glutton” on their car. No offense.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This month, you will be reminded of these famous lines from Chuang Chou: “Once upon a time, I, Chuang Chou, dreamt I was a butterfly, fluttering hither and thither, a veritable butterfly, enjoying itself to the full of its bent, and not knowing it was Chuang Chou. Suddenly I awoke, and came to myself, the veritable Chuang Chou. Now I do not know whether it was then I dreamt I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.”i This will resonate deeply inside you, and you will begin to question the very nature of reality. When you dream that you are a spider, you will begin construction on a large web made of string in the hallway just to see how it feels, which is a great idea. Your family members will be supportive at first, but it won’t be long before they care more about having access to the bathroom than they do about your spiritual growth. This is really selfish of them, and you should make them realize this by tying them up with string.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
As always, your new career plans will come from watching late-night T.V. infomercials. Your idea is to combine the best of the world of cooking and the world of luxurious spa items in a new product called “garlic salt bath crystals.” Brilliant as it is, you are ahead of your time, and will once again be misunderstood by the public, due to their archaic idea that garlic belongs in the kitchen. That and their dislike of the burning sensation…
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
When it comes to gifts, it’s the thought that counts. Remind your beloved of this when you ceremoniously reach into your back pocket and present to them a list of your most interesting thoughts for Valentine’s Day. Highlight the really good ones, like “There should be a vending machine for hummus” and “Why do they say the alarm went off when it really went on?” You could even suggest that some of them, which you have not only highlighted but marked with little stars, should count for double. Your sweetheart will be speechless with gratitude, and may even twitch a little.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
As Indian sages have been teaching for millennia, there are only three things you need to remember in life: No hurry, no worry, and no hot curry. This month, devote yourself to the embodiment of this wisdom… especially the curry part.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will finally learn to live in the present moment by giving away all your shoes and socks in order to feel the love of Mother Earth directly wherever you go. I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but you’re going to step in some very poignant love while frolicking at the dog park.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
This month, the revolutionary in you awakens. You have a sudden vision in the middle of the night-- your heart blazes and the sound of your cry for freedom rings out in the darkness. Your message is heard around the world (or at least all the way up to the third floor, according to the landlord). You heed the call of the future, and step up fearlessly to take your place in history by organizing a resistance movement against the “Grammar Nazis” on social media. Your guerilla tactics will include the ruthless use of apostrophes on nouns, and, increasingly, extreme random capitalization. You will form an alliance with the creators of the “kitteh” memes, and the moral fabric of society will begin to unravel. Your page, “rEvLoUtIN aGiNsT gRaMmEr NaZi’s” will be a real hit for a while, and you will get thousands of fans. They will all “unlike” you, however, when you get sued for intellectual property theft by the person who first came up with the idea of typing “HaPpY BiRtHdAy” to show everyone that she was a really fun person. It will strike you as ironic that that person does not seem fun at all, but you are just angry about being sued by that person. That person really is a fun person, just not when she’s in court suing people. It will be a drag to lose everything in the lawsuit, of course, but that will be a small price to pay for the wisdom you have gained. Looking back, you won’t be quite sure what that is.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
This month, it’s time to step up and do something about your financial troubles. The best plan would be to check out a book on origami from the library. Then, you can turn all those ugly unpaid bills into beautiful cranes!
i As translated by James Legge, and quoted in The Three Religions of China: Lectures Delivered at Oxford (1913) by William Edward Soothill, p. 75.
Read March 2014 humorscope: For humor's sake, take me there!
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