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Humorscope Feed
September 2020
By Brook Bhagat
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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Feeling bored? Stop wasting time on the internet. Remember the classics, like scotch-taping eyebrows or going full Groucho on your dog.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
It’s time to take your convictions to the next level and go commando, and I’m not talking about your underwear this time. Stop being all talk and do something big. Stage a sit-in outside Home Depot to save the bees, or maybe camp out naked in the tree in your front yard for a few days to protest how jeans shrink in the dryer.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You find a piece of a meteor in your yard, take it as a sign and devote the next 15 years of your life to building a spaceship to find its origin. You will be halfway into orbit when you realize it was actually a piece of the neighbor’s old barbeque.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Goats are divine. I love my goat, but you need to find your own.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
This month, it’s time to step up and take some responsibility. Stop pointing fingers, except when giving directions or looking over police line-ups.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This month, you are going to get in big trouble when you mistake a real Chihuahua for a statue of a Chihuahua. Again.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
This month, you will see a dog in the alley levitating and telling you that “The true path to the garbage can is meditation. Look in your own trash can.” Take his advice.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will soon realize that your neighborhood is actually improving when you get an ad from Burlington Coat Factory addressed to “Buthole Cravck or current resident.”
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
If you put pantyhose over the head of a sitting dog, like, say, a mid-sized black lab, she will look exactly like a seal, and start to move her head like a seal too. I would assume.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Take some time out to take a step back and reflect on what’s really missing in your life. For most people, it’s taking time out to step back and reflect on what’s missing in their lives. That and mayonnaise.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
This month, someone will begin talking about you frequently behind your back. Don’t stoop to their level by retaliating. Instead, get your revenge by eating nothing but beans.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You’ve been deliberating about what to say to a friend or lover who has been asking your opinion on something, perhaps something very important or very boring. In these situations and actually every situation, I find it best to put my hand on my chin, look down, look up and raise one eyebrow, cock my head, nod once and say, “Fair enough.” It’s technically always true.
About the author
Brook Bhagat’s work has appeared in Monkeybicycle, Empty Mirror Magazine, Anthem: A Tribute to Leonard Cohen, and other journals and anthologies, and she is the winner of A Story in 100 Words’s nature writing contest. She and her husband Gaurav created Blue Planet Journal, which she edits and writes for, and she is an assistant professor of English at a community college. Her poetry collection, Only Flying, is due out in Nov. 2021 from Unsolicited Press. See more at Brook Bhagat or reach her on Twitter.
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