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September 2019

By Brook Bhagat

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will betray your favorite neighborhood diner where you are a “regular” by eating at the ritzy national chain diner across town. You will then brazenly dare to return to your beloved local eatery, where you will try to hide your shame with small-talk and a hurried request for “the usual.” The waitress will see right through you, and give you a look that would make Mussolini quake in his boots. You deserve it, though. How could you?

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Until now, your love for ranch dressing has been under control. I completely agree that ranch is delicious on salads, sandwiches, and even fries. This month, however, you will take it to a new level, and your friends will become worried when you begin wearing a trench coat regardless of the weather and keep a full flask of ranch dressing in the inside pocket at all times, surreptitiously taking a “pull” every time you think no one’s looking. Soon, your desire for the ranch will consume your life—school, work, friends, and family will all seem meaningless next to that creamy, zesty bliss. Your loved ones will stage a ranch intervention, and you will eventually admit through your tears that you have a problem and beg for professional help. After rehab, you will switch to honey mustard.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Perhaps you should try focusing a bit more on your inner voice, and reflecting on your actions and true intentions, instead of binge-watching the admittedly hilarious rerun antics of Alice and the gang over at Mel’s diner. There’s a good chance you have been saying yes when you should say no, no when you should say yes, and “Kiss my grits” when you should say, “Sorry, Officer. How fast was I going?”

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

This month, you decide to liven things up around the office with some good, old-fashioned practical jokes, like the classic whoopee cushion and even the old chewing-gum-on-the-chair trick. This is a great hit and you become more popular than ever. You forget, however, that the retaliation always tends to “kick it up a notch,” and that elderly women often have access to arts-and-crafts hot glue guns, something that will occur to you when you are lying face-down in the emergency room. The good news? Your colleagues will find the inflatable “donut” you will need to sit down for the next three weeks hilarious!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Have you been struggling to lose weight? Do certain parts of your anatomy resemble a soup spoon? It’s a little known fact that “you are what you eat” is actually a mistranslation. The real expression is, “you are what you eat with.” Forget about low-carb, low-fat and all that nonsense. Instead, give away all your silverware and buy a jumbo-size package of toothpicks to eat whatever you want with. You’ll be slim and trim in no time!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

This month, remember that friends are like eggs: they fill you up, but if they’re not fully cooked, they can give you salmonella, and then not even give back your Zoolander DVD.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

This month, you will learn that nothing is less sexy than indecisiveness when you tell your significant other that you feel ready to “take this to the level and get married! Or maybe just take a good in-between step, like sharing a Netflix account, one of the two…”

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This month, you become obsessed with discovering what lies beyond our universe and making contact with extraterrestrial life forms. You devote weeks to building an interstellar communication device out of popsicle sticks, a broken toaster and a hamster wheel which runs on a mix of plutonium and Axe body spray. After a lucky lightning strike, the monstrosity actually begins to work. You make contact with an individual from the Omega Centauri Galaxy, form a beautiful interspecies friendship, and begin to spend most of your time chatting. Together, the two of you discover proof of a new cosmological constant: Again, Axe body spray.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Remember, the pen is mightier than the sword, but cheese graters can be surprisingly sharp. I think you know what I mean. Every rose has its thorn.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

This month, you learn that sometimes it can be a fine line between “being creative,” “making a statement” and “asking for it” when, late one night, you prune your neighbors’ hedge in the shape of a crocodile to express the predatory nature of capitalism. You may think sharing your poem on the same subject with them will help, but some people just don’t understand real art.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

September 21 marks the autumnal equinox, also known as Mabon in Pagan circles. You will attend a sacred fire ritual at the edge of a secret lake, where you will be given the honor of lighting the fire as the Ancients did so long ago. You will feast and offer your gratitude to the triple goddess and the four directions, and shed tears of communion with the earth, sky and tall trees. Skyclad, wearing a garland of wildflowers and little else, you will drink mead made from honey and swim in the cool, clear waters of the lake, staying up all night to welcome the moon and the dawn. Either that or you will watch an all-night Star Wars marathon on TV, which would also be fun.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

At first, it will seem like bad luck when you come home from a short hike in the mountains with a severe poison ivy rash on most of your body. However, thanks to your inability to scratch discretely at the grocery store and the proliferation of video-recording smartphones, you will become a Youtube superstar overnight, ushering in a dance craze which will be known as “Bootyscratch Fever.” For a while, it will be difficult to go out in public without being instantly recognized as “the O.B.” (original bootyscratcher) and asked for autographs, but eventually you will end up with your own album and a product line of scented calamine lotions. Good times!

About the author

Brook Bhagat

Brook Bhagat’s poetry, fiction, non-fiction, and humor have appeared in Monkeybicycle, Empty Mirror Magazine, Little India, Rat's Ass Review, and other journals and anthologies. She and her husband Gaurav created Blue Planet Journal, which she edits and writes for. She teaches creative writing at a community college, and is writing a novel. Her poetry collection, Only Flying, is due out Nov. 16, 2021 from Unsolicited Press. See more in About Us and at

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