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September 2018

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A promotion may be in store for you at work, Capricorn, especially if you can be a little more personable at lunchtime—your coworkers care more about you than you realize. At a minimum, I’d recommend stopping the practice of sneaking into the breakroom and farting in the microwave.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

There comes a time to take responsibility for your conditioning, Aquarius. Grow up, question authority, and reevaluate everything you’ve been taught by the minions of orthodoxy! If you keep making that face, though, it really will freeze that way.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You only live once, Pisces. Life is a gift, and it demands nothing less than absolute passion and complete honesty. The next time the grocery store checker asks, “How’s it going?” don’t feel shy about telling the truth and showing him the rash on your you-know-what. He asked, right?

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will be unable to attend an important meeting for work, but no one will blame you when you tell them you have a “family emergency.” I know I think of my hands as part of my family, and papercuts can be very serious if not given the proper treatment and rest. Get well soon!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

No one can argue that Star Trek isn’t the best science fiction entertainment franchise of all time, Taurus, but try to remember that not everyone has the passion for it that you do. Non-Klingon females, for example, may not understand that growling and drawing blood with a bite on the cheek is a sign of affection, a lesson you’re likely to learn the hard way.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your decision to be more of a hands-on parent to your teenagers is off to an excellent start. I think you look great in those “skinny jeans,” no matter what your spouse says. Nothing makes you look cooler to teens than when you show them you care about them by embracing their fashion and hip, modern lingo. By the way, I hear that the new word for “groovy” is “smurfy.”

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

As always, your new career plans will come from watching late-night T.V. infomercials. Your idea is to combine the best of the world of cooking and the world of luxurious spa items in a new product called “garlic salt bath crystals.” Brilliant as it is, you are ahead of your time, and will once again be misunderstood by the public, due to their archaic idea that garlic belongs in the kitchen. Well, that and their dislike of the burning sensation.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You’ve been letting the little things bother you more than you should, Leo. For example, you may have been overreacting when a certain someone ate the last avocado and you spray-painted “avocado glutton” on their car. No offense.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You’ve been feeling happy lately, Virgo. Perhaps there’s something you have neglected to analyze from all angles. Did you forget that you have problems? Lots and lots of problems…

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

This month, you’d better be ready to face your deepest fears, Libra. By that I mean that if you don’t do something about that green stuff growing on the inside door of the fridge, it’s going to do something about you.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will reap great rewards, both spiritually and health-wise, from your decision to stop wearing shoes outside. You will truly feel the love of Mother Earth directly wherever you go. I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but you’re going to step in some especially juicy love while frolicking at the dog park.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

This month, your keen financial sense and experience reading self-help books will convince you that the market for “Law of Attraction” literature has been flooded. Your new book, The Law of Repulsion, is going to be a best-seller. Good times!

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