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October 2019
By Brook Bhagat
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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
This Halloween, near the end of the night, some trick-or-treaters will ring your doorbell. When you get there, you will see the most convincing alien costumes you’ve ever seen in your life, and suddenly feel compelled to give the creatures not candy but things like baking soda, vinegar, WD-40 and small propane tanks to fuel their ship so they can get home. Unknowingly, you may have prevented a full-scale alien invasion of Earth! Either that or you will be getting a very confused/ threatening call from some parents and possibly the police.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
This month, someone amazing is going to ask you if you have room in your life for a miracle, to which you should immediately say no. You know full well you’re way too busy as it is.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
At first, it will seem like bad luck when you come home from a short hike in the mountains with a severe poison ivy rash on most of your body. However, thanks to your inability to scratch discretely at the grocery store and the proliferation of video-recording smartphones, you will become a Youtube superstar overnight, ushering in a dance craze which will be known as “Bootyscratch Fever.” For a while, it will be difficult to go out in public without being instantly recognized as “the O.B.” (original bootyscratcher) and asked for autographs, but eventually you will end up with your own album and a product line of scented calamine lotions. Good times!
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Religion is the untapped power you have been looking for in your life. For example, no one appreciates it now when you hide behind the bushes and throw gummy bears at them, but if it was part of your religion, not only would do you get to do it, but you could probably get a day off work to do it all day long. This month, you will start a new religion called “Candyism” dedicated exclusively to playing Candy Crush and throwing gummy bears at pedestrians. Candyism will pass up all the other world religions within a month or so, which will anger the Flying Spaghetti Monster greatly. Watch your back—that guy’s got connections.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Gautam the Buddha once said, “In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true.” Remembering these words and letting them sink into your heart: very wise. Quoting them to the IRS guy when asked for directions to your house: not so much.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
After what happened last year, it might be wise to review some basic trick-or-treater etiquette. Asking kids what they’re dressed up as: cool. Asking whether they’re having a good Halloween: also cool. Forcing them to listen to you read lovelorn poetry about your ex before handing over the candy: not cool, my friend. Not cool.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will become the most popular person at the monastery when a real-life experience gives you a great response to your Zen master’s annoying question, “What is the sound of one hand clapping?”
“If the soap falls in the toilet,” you will reply, “how do you wash it?”
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Noticing the popularity of internet quizzes like “What color is your aura?” or “What superhero are you?”, which appeal to supermarket spirituality, delusions of grandeur and social media hypnosis, you theorize that there must also be a big market for more down-to-earth quizzes, and invest your life savings in a company which creates quizzes like “What kind of mold is in your fridge?” and “How will you probably die?” Unfortunately for you, no one really wants to know.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
This month, you will receive a mantra via a meme on social media, or perhaps an anger management class, that goes, “I have the power to choose how I react in every situation.” If you recite it faithfully, you will be able to put it into practice on Halloween, when you receive the fifth compliment on your “really scary costume!” and you simply smile and say, “thanks,” instead of, “I’m not wearing a $#%@*% costume!”
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good news! This month, in a bizarre event involving hiding under the covers with an etch-a-sketch, a can of Diet Dr. Pepper and a few unstable molecules, you accidentally invent a sticky but functional invisibility cloak. This works out great for a while, and you do pretty well in the petty theft arena, but the problem of the cloak evaporating unexpectedly leaves you one too many times stark naked with your paws in the cash register at Family Dollar, and after a brief prison sentence you vow to go back to college and major in astrochemistry so you can perfect the cloak and take over the world. There’s a good chance you’ll change your major halfway through, however, and end up a paralegal with massive student loan debt. Either way, you’ll be better off than you are now, though, and get some really cool new facial tattoos.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You are becoming more and more attractive in your social media selfies, thanks to lots of hard work and practice. Your experiments with stage makeup, low lighting and various camera angles (from above and a little to the right seems to be best) are really paying off, and you are getting lots of “likes” and even an increasing number of comments like “great pic” or “pm me hot stuf.” The only downside to this is that, later this month, you will be kidnapped by a human trafficking ring, and although you will actually see some of the folks from your “friend list” through the back window of a van and call out to them, they won’t recognize you.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
After quite profitable rounds of Halloween trick-or-treating, you will be surprised to find a small, greenish, faintly luminescent pebble at the bottom of your trick-or-treat bag. You figure, quite rightly, that it's probably either a piece of some kid's glow stick or a magic talisman that will give you psychic powers. Gambling on the latter, you swallow it whole, and after a little cramping you realize that you are suddenly blessed with powerful visions of the future! You quit your job, buy a deck of tarot cards and slap together a makeshift home business performing psychic readings in your living room. Your accuracy is astounding, and your reputation spreads like wildfire. You make great money in your new role for about three days until, unfortunately, you realize you have unknowingly “passed” the magic stone, and have to go ask for your old job back.
About the author
Brook Bhagat’s poetry, fiction, non-fiction, and humor have appeared in Monkeybicycle, Empty Mirror Magazine, Little India, Rat's Ass Review, and other journals and anthologies. She and her husband Gaurav created Blue Planet Journal, which she edits and writes for. She teaches creative writing at a community college, and is writing a novel. Her poetry collection, Only Flying, is due out Nov. 16, 2021 from Unsolicited Press. See more in About Us and at www.brook-bhagat.com
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