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October 2018

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Omega Centauri Courtesy: NASA/JPL-Caltech

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

This month, you become obsessed with discovering what lies beyond our solar system and making contact with extraterrestrial life forms. You devote weeks to building a surprisingly functional interstellar communication device out of popsicle sticks, a broken toaster and a hamster wheel, which runs on a mix of plutonium and Axe body spray. You make contact with an individual from the Omega Centauri Galaxy, form a beautiful interspecies friendship and begin to spend most of your time chatting. Together, the two of you discover proof of a new cosmological constant: Again, Axe body spray. Good times!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

This month, your wildest dreams will come true. Well, the one you had after you drank that expired milk and fell asleep on the sofa will, anyway, the one about your cousin and the snake. Freaky.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Your pet hamster just doesn’t seem like himself lately. He sleeps all day, barely touches his food pellets, and runs like a maniac on his wheel all night long. Has he gone off the deep end? Is he depressed? Has he begun to doubt the meaning of his narrow glass-walled existence, fearing that life is nothing more than an endless repetition of similar tasks, played out in a pathetic mixture of shredded newspaper and his own feces, that lead ultimately only to a lonely, meaningless death, beyond which lies no punishment and no reward, but only an empty abyss or, worse yet, infinite lifetimes of desperately suckling at the looming water bottles that hang over his head, threatening annihilation and distorting reality, doling out droplets that can never truly satisfy either body or soul? Probably not, buddy. He’s a hamster. Get him checked for worms.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will betray your favorite neighborhood diner where you are a “regular” by eating at the ritzy national chain diner across town. You will then brazenly dare to return to your beloved local eatery, where you will try to hide your shame with small-talk and a hurried request for “the usual.” The waitress will see right through you, and give you a look that would make Mussolini quake in his boots. You deserve it, though. How could you?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Until now, your love for ranch dressing has been under control. I completely agree that ranch is delicious on salads, sandwiches, and even fries. This month, however, you will take it to a new level, and your friends will become worried when you begin wearing a trench coat regardless of the weather and keep a full flask of ranch dressing in the inside pocket at all times, surreptitiously taking a “pull” every time you think no one’s looking. Soon, your desire for the ranch will consume your life—school, work, friends, and family will all seem meaningless next to that creamy, zesty bliss. Your loved ones will stage a ranch intervention, and you will eventually admit through your tears that you have a problem and beg for professional help. After rehab, you will switch to honey mustard.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

A fortuitous meeting with a door-to-door sales representative will result in a spicy new romance and the purchase of several above-average cleaning products for your home or office. Score!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Have you been struggling to lose weight? Do certain parts of your anatomy resemble a soup spoon? It’s a little known fact that “you are what you eat” is actually a mistranslation. The real expression is, “you are what you eat with.” Forget about low-carb, low-fat and all that nonsense. Instead, give away all your silverware and buy a jumbo-size package of toothpicks to eat whatever you want with. You’ll be slim and trim in no time!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Commando is a 2013 Hindi action thriller directed by Dilip Ghosh and produced by Vipul Shah. It is also an American slang term for not wearing underwear. If only you had known both of these yesterday, you would have known the right answer when a certain someone asked you, “Want to see Commando?” Well, live and learn.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Ever wonder why cats look so happy? It’s because they really don’t care what you think. Follow their example, and all your problems will drift away on a tuna boat of dreams.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You are right to continue your quest for understanding the deepest and most impenetrable paradoxes and mysteries of life, despite your beloved’s insistence that the mystical in fact resides within the practical world. You will mock this idea until you find yourself stranded on the roadside, pondering the meaning of that “check engine” light you’ve been ignoring.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You have been searching for solutions far and wide, but maybe you’re trying too hard. Sometimes the answer to the toughest problems can be found by combining resources you already have. Need a luxurious vacation? Take a bubble bath while listening to the natural sounds of birds on Youtube! Need a change from your daily coffee fix? Try ketchup-milk! Well, you get the idea.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

This month, you will learn that nothing is less sexy than indecisiveness when you tell your significant other that you feel ready to “take this to the level and get married! Or maybe just take a good in-between step, like sharing a Netflix account, one of the two…”

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