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November 2019

By Jason Graff

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Your trademark ambition and persistence, which has always served you so well, Capricorn, will backfire this month. It will be a lesson in moderation and not craving more than you can handle. It will also be a lesson in the fact that there really isn’t a winner in a pickled herring eating contest.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Aquarius, I foresee great challenges ahead in your personal life. You’ll feel left out, barred from scenes that had at once seemed so close at hand. The images dearest to you, ones which had come to define you, will seem lost forever. All because you’ll forget your Instagram password.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Pisces, this month you’ll learn that when Bertrand Russel said there are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it, he wasn't talking about philosophical tracts or tomes about man's inhumanity to man. He meant cozy mysteries. Yes, apparently, Uncle Bertie was just wild about detective stories set in small, tight knit communities where nothing else of note ever happens.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Aires, we all know being ruled by Mars had never been easy. He can be the harshest of masters. Showering your path in life with frustrations has always been his way. He doesn’t wish you to fail, only to test you and find that you are made of stern enough stuff. No matter how many coupons you get from Bed, Bath and Beyond in the mail, show him your best and stay away. Far away!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Taurus, why worry so about the usual aspects of life? Financial security, personal fulfilment, romantic intrigue, professional development, all can seem important until you find that they are also parts of a kind of life that had been packaged and sold to you. Simple pleasures are best and are often overlooked. Things like feeling the sun on your face, sharing a laugh with a friend or revving the engine of your Ducati 1098S before letting it fly across the Salt Flats. Ask no more of life than you'd ask of yourself.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Gemini, this month will see you finding fame in a manner that you never expected. Your image will be celebrated the world over and shared across social media platforms. You’ll bring joy to thousands…no, millions of lives. Yes, thanks to a weird face you’ll make before sneezing, and the neighborhood kid’s TikTok account, you’ll finally become a meme. Don’t worry though, just as it starts to get annoying, the notoriety will disappear as quickly as it came.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

This colorful world in which we live will prove as harrowing as it is beautiful this month, Cancer. You’ll see every shade of humanity pass before your eyes. All the hues that make up the kaleidoscope known as existence will flicker, each in its own eternity of an instant. You will see more than you can bear. Indeed, going to your nephew’s birthday party at the Crayola Experience will prove a surprisingly regretful experience.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Beware of joy being snatched away from you this month, Leo. It will happen thusly: while asleep you'll have the most lucid dream of escorting Elaine from Seinfeld to the premier screening of Sack Lunch II: Sack Linner, but before you get her alone in the darkened theater, you'll be jolted awake. You'll try to go back to sleep and find the pleasure which had been so close at hand but the best you'll be able to manage will be visions of George changing at the gym.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Virgo, how about that meme featuring Gemini, huh? I mean, what’s with that face? Just when you think you’ve forgotten it, it burns itself into your nightmares. Look away! Look away! My only advice is to look away!!

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Libra, the facts of existence are a litany of uncomfortable and unfortunate truths. While not color blind exactly, dogs can see only a limited amount of the spectrum. Once extruded from its tube, toothpaste can never be put back inside. Our sun is a dying star. And, apparently, drinking too much IPA can give you a set of honking man-boobs.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Scorpio, this month will see some childhood dreams creep closer to realization. You know the ones I mean: the ones of joy and valor and coming of age. Yes, you will soon be able to attain a level of maturity heretofore only glimpsed in fantasies concocted by your otherwise somnambulant mind when, for one morning, you'll awaken to find you can actually stand capers.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Sometimes it’s hard to know what one needs from life, isn’t it Sagittarius? The world oppresses us with decisions disguised as choices. It is important sometimes to shrink one’s life down to a few manageable options that can be relied upon to produce joy. One’s choice of funk, for instance, should never be a matter of beleaguered debate.

About the author

Jason Graff

Jason Graff is a writer living in Texas with his wife and son. His debut novel Stray Our Pieces, published by Waldorf Publishing, concerns a woman extricating herself from motherhood. In early 2020, heckler, about lives colliding at a struggling hotel, will be released by Unsolicited Press.

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