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November 2018
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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
After years of heartfelt shooting-star and birthday-candle wishes, your deep desire for your own unicorn will finally come true early one morning this month, Capricorn, the creature sparkling to life in your room right before your eyes. You will care for the animal as a sacred duty, providing for all its needs, and you will thoroughly enjoy saying “I told you so” to your family, friends, and all the other idiots who tried to squash your dreams. You will have to face some awkward moments, however, as a result of the magical beast’s fondness for convenience-store burritos. Nobody’s perfect.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
This month, it’s time to step up and do something about your financial troubles. The best plan would be to check out a book on origami from the library. Then, you can turn all those ugly unpaid bills into beautiful cranes!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Trouble with karma again this month, Pisces. The best way is to not cheat on your lover at all, of course, but if you do, and your lover happens to be a tattoo artist, it will be better to tell the truth, cut your losses and pay extra for that full-back piece from a stranger than to try to cash in your discount one more time. On the plus side, everyone at the beach will find your ex’s list of new nicknames for you hilarious!
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
After an intense 6-hour silent sitting meditation while holding a potato against your “third eye,” you experience the revelation that vegetables have feelings too, and that to eat them is immoral. Your family, who are not as spiritually advanced as you are, will insist that you’re going overboard when you try to force them to eat only apples and boiled pine needles which have fallen of their own free will, but they’ll come around if you stick with it. Singing and playing ukulele songs like “Oh Suffering Summer Squash,” and “The Cry of the Cauliflower” while they eat might also help.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
The call to adventure has come, Taurus! Forget about your ho-hum routine and the monotony of the same old—same old. This month, out of necessity, you will be sucked into the urgent whirlwind of a treasure hunt. Eventually, you will triumph, your deepest suspicion realized: those bastards moved the toilet paper to Aisle 4.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This month, the revolutionary in you awakens. You have a sudden vision in the middle of the night-- your heart blazes and the sound of your cry for freedom rings out in the darkness. Your message is heard around the world (or at least all the way up to the third floor, according to the landlord). You heed the call of the future, and step up fearlessly to take your place in history by organizing a resistance movement against the “Grammar Nazis” on social media. Your guerilla tactics will include the ruthless use of apostrophes on nouns, and, increasingly, extreme random capitalization. You will form an alliance with the creators of the “kitteh” memes, and the moral fabric of society will begin to unravel. Your page, “rEvLoUtIN aGiNsT gRaMmEr NaZi’s” will be a real hit for a while, and you will get millions of fans. They will all “unlike” you, however, when you get sued for intellectual property theft by the person who first came up with the idea of typing “HaPpY BiRtHdAy” to show everyone that she was a really fun person. It will strike you as ironic that that person does not seem fun at all, but you are just angry about being sued by that person. That person really is a fun person, just not when she’s in court suing people. It will be a drag to lose everything in the lawsuit, of course, but that will be a small price to pay for the wisdom you have gained. Looking back, you won’t be quite sure what that is.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Late-night internet research will lead you to discover “No Pants Day,” and, in this, the first holiday you can really believe in. The next morning, in your gusto to celebrate, you will overlook the fine print, which specifies the exact date that the holiday should be celebrated on. You will not realize your mistake until an hour later, when the door closes and you are already moving on public transportation. The bad news: law enforcement officers will not find this “simple misunderstanding” as humorous as your fellow passengers do. The good news: for your age, your knees look great!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will be gratified to hear your beloved utter those three little words you have felt for so long, yet never heart aloud: “I love you.” You will be a bit less gratified, however, when you hear the next three words: “Remember the car?”
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
As Indian sages have been teaching for millennia, there are only three things you need to remember in life: No hurry, no worry, and no hot curry. This month, devote yourself to the embodiment of this wisdom… especially the curry part.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
This month, you will be reminded of these famous lines from Chuang Chou: “Once upon a time, I dreamt I was a butterfly… Now I do not know whether I am a man who dreamt I was a butterfly, or whether I am a butterfly dreaming I am a man.” This will resonate deeply inside you, and you will begin to question the very nature of reality. When you dream that you are a spider, you will begin construction on a large web made of string in the hallway just to see how it feels, which is a great idea. Your family members will be supportive at first, but it won’t be long before they care more about having access to the bathroom than they do about your spiritual growth. This is really selfish of them, and you should make them realize this by tying them up with string.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
This month, you will be reminded of these famous lines from Chuang Chou: “Once upon a time, I dreamt I was a butterfly… Now I do not know whether I am a man who dreamt I was a butterfly, or whether I am a butterfly dreaming I am a man.” This will resonate deeply inside you, and you will begin to question the very nature of reality. When you dream that you are a spider, you will begin construction on a large web made of string in the hallway just to see how it feels, which is a great idea. Your family members will be supportive at first, but it won’t be long before they care more about having access to the bathroom than they do about your spiritual growth. This is really selfish of them, and you should make them realize this by tying them up with string.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will come down with the Tirellian flu, a horrible new disease which is spreading like a plague across the land. Doctors will be baffled and you yourself may even feel like giving up at times. Quite by accident, however, you will stumble upon the cure, which is to go swinging at the playground for at least an hour a day. Billions of lives will be saved, playgrounds and swingsets will replace war zones around the world, and you will get a permanent 20% discount at your favorite coffee shop. Good times!
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